Happy Joint-Birthday To Me! Pass The GOOD Vanilla

In case the fact that I have a blog devoted entirely to cooking hasn't tipped you off, I thing have a thing for food. Love it. And by extension, I also love The Food Network (except for guy Fieri. He looks like a date rapist.) One of the shows on TFN, if you've never watched it and if you haven't go die in a fire jerkface, is The Barefoot Contessa, featuring Ina Garten.

Now, Ina's a good chef, and she seems to have a never-ending supply of gays at her disposal for dinner parties (seriously, bitch goes through them the way most people go through tissues), but she has this weird habit of always telling you to use the GOOD ingredients. You know, as opposed to the BAD ingredients. Because I was totally confused, and thought I could use the moldy ingredients with the bugs crawling in it. Anyhoo, Vince Lambert gave me the idea for this recipe, and since my mother and I were having a joint birthday (she's January 31st, I'm February 5th) I decided to make it for our birthday.

Beatty's Chocolate Cake
(courtesy of Ina Garten)

• Butter and flour (to grease the pans)
• 1 3/4 C. of flour
• 2 C. of Sugar
• 3/4 C. of Cocoa Powder (Sorry, but I just can't type "GOOD cocoa powder" without wanting to punch myself in the balls)
  
• 2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1 tsp. of baking powder
• 1 C. Buttermilk
• 1/2 C. of vegetable oil
• 2 extra-large, room temperature eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 C. of coffee

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then butter and flour two 8-inch cake pans. Personally, I just used one 10-inch pan...At least I think it was 10 inches. I didn't really bother measuring or anything. Point is, butter and flour a pan.

Next whisk the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking powder and baking soda together in a mixer until they're all whisked together. Meanwhile, in another bowl, whisk together the buttermilk, oil, eggs and vanilla until it's all mixed together. Now, just slowly pour the wet mixture in with the dry ones until it's well incorporated. Then, slowly again, mix in the cup of freshly-brewed coffee, making sure to scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl so that you can properly mix the batter. If it looks a little thin to you, don't worry, it's supposed to be that way. Believe me, I freaked out a bit too when I saw it, but it's totally okay because the cake is still going turn out all rich and delicious and not watery.

Anyway, if you're using the two 8-inch pans, bake for 30-40 minutes. However, I was flying blind with the 10-incher, so I just used the fork method; stab it with a fork or a knife or a toothpick or anything else pointy on hand until it comes out of the cake clean. Once done, just let them cool, and depending on how many pans you use, either slice it in half or whatever, then just frost the middle to make yourself a nice little layer cake. There's actually a frosting recipe that came with this, but I was in a rush so I just used the canned stuff, which was still good.

Choco Tacos? Fuck Yeah!

Here's a fun little tidbit you probably didn't know: We don't actually have ice cream trucks up here in Quebec. Yeah, I know, kind of a bummer really. I think it has something to do with the fact that seven months out of the year are spent in soul-crushing darkness and snow. Anyhoo, in order to remedy this, I made some homemade Choco Tacos, which apparently are something of a big thing down in the states, right? Anyway, the original recipe makes 12, but (A) who the fuck needs 12 very brittle Choco Tacos lying about? And (B) this is a bold-faced lie; I halved the recipe and, even after adding surplus ingredients, only ended up with five. But whatever, here's how to make them.

Choco Tacos (Makes 6 5)
(Courtesy of Serious Eats)
For the crepe shells

• 1 Egg
• 1/4 C. sugar
• 2 Tbl. melted butter
• 1 1/2 tsp of milk
• 1/4 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 C. flour

For the chocolate syrup

• 1/4 C. cocoa powder
• 1/2 C. sugar
• 1/2 C. Water
• 1/2 tsp. Vanilla

You'll also need some ice cream (Chocolate Chip or Cookie Dough works well) and some cashews.

Start off with the crepes; mix the sugar and the egg together into a sugary, yellow paste, then add the butter milk and vanilla, mixing until incorporated. Finally, add in the flour and whisk until it's all mixed up.

In a warm, lightly oiled skillet over medium heat, pour off the crepes one at a time, tilting the pan to spread out the crepe as thin as you can. Once it looks set (which WILL happen quickly, so stay on your toes) carefully flip it over so that you don't rip it. Because that would be bad.
Here's the fun part: In order to shape the tacos, grab a clean, hardcover book with a dustjacket, maybe around 200-250 pages thick (I used books from Chelsea Handler, Sarah Vowell and Christopher Moore if that gives you an idea) and drape the crepes over the spines of the books. Then, stick your crepe-covered books in the freezer and let them harden for about ten minutes.

While those freeze up, whisk together cocoa powder, sugar and water and boil for one minute (I simply used the frying pan I used for the crepes). Feel free to boil it for a little longer if you want it to be a bit thicker. From there, I just popped it in the fridge to cool it off. Once cooled, just add the vanilla and stir it up.
Once the shells are hard and the sauce is fixed, CAREFULLY brush the inside of the shells with the sauce, and throw them back into the freezer until the sauce hardens up. Once everything has set, start spooning in the ice cream (once again, carefully) into the shells, and once they're all stuffed, put them back in the freezer again to set. Yes, I know, there's a lot of freezing to be done here. Just suck it up.

Anyway, take them out of the freezer again, pour any remaining chocolate syrup on top and sprinkle with nuts. From there, you can either devour them straight out of the gate or store them in a freezer.

How Do You Like Your Eggs In The Morning?

...Unfertilized! (Hold for Laughter) Today's post is about Breakfast, which, according to Arrested Development, is the most important thing after family. Because simply put, everyone loves breakfast. I've never met a person who doesn't love breakfast, if only because they were probably killed by an angry mob of people who really, really, really like breakfast. It's just that good.

Frittatas

• 4 Eggs, lightly beaten with a table spoon of milk
• Half a chopped onion
• 1/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese
• Basil to taste
• Oil to grease a pan

I got this one from the guys over at Jack Manly, and I had to do it because, well, it looked amazing, and I'm a total sucker for onions. Love 'em. Anyway, start off by evenly coating a six inch frying pan and putting it on medium heat. Dice an onion and fry the onions until soft and warm, but not full-on caramelized.

Once that's done, take them off the pan, making sure to keep as much oil as you can on the pan. Pour half the egg mix into the pan, and once set, sprinkle half the cheese, onions and basil over the eggs. Top it all off by pouring the rest of the egg mix over it and sprinkle the remaining cheese, onion and basil over it.

Here's the fun part: in order to fully cook the frittata, you have to put a lid over the top of the pan. I'm not sure what the exact science is, but I'm assuming the steam cooks the top of the egg and the whole thing will rise like a souffle. Just keep peeking until the top looks solid and the frittata looks puffy. Once that's done, just slide it onto a plate. Don't worry if it deflates a bit, that's just what happens when you take it off the heat.

Personally, I loved it. I'm a big omelet person anyway, but I've never been able to flip one without completely tearing it to shit, so this kind of takes the possibility of totally fucking up out of the equation. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe doubling the amount of onions and cheese, since you can't really taste them that much in the eggs.

Brown Sugar Brie

• One wheel of brie cheese
• 1/4 cup of brown sugar
• 1/4 cup of chopped almonds
• 1 tablespoon of dijon mustard

This one I got from Mama Feist again, with whom I share a mutual love of all things cheese. Anyway, bit of a simple, albeit not all that accurate recipe. Start off by slicing the brie like you would a bagel. In a bowl, mix together the brown sugar, almonds and mustard into a sort of paste, then spread half of it on the inside of the brie, and the rest on top of the brie, so that it's layered brie-paste-brie-paste.

Place the brie in a ramekin or any other oven-safe bowl that can fit the brie. Bake it on whatever heat you want for however long you want until it's delicious and melty. Honestly, I never got an exact amount either way on this thing, so you're going to have to wing it. All I know is, when it melts, it's good. Serve it with some sliced up french bread.

Me & The Minibar

You know, I've been running this blog for a while now, and I STILL haven't done a post on the fine art of boozin'. I have seriously dropped the ball on this one, haven't I? Well worry no more, gay porn loving foodies, because I have for you this week three cocktails you can try at home, including the infamous McNuggetini. Read on to see how that ended.

Mama Feist's Cosmopolitans

• 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 2 oz. Vodka
• 2 oz. Triple Sec
• 1 oz. Lime Cordial

As Kate so eloquently put it, "Cosmopolitans are like Christianity. Wonderful in and of themselves, yet embarrassing to admit liking due to ties with obnoxious crazy people." And it's entirely true. Cosmos were the first drink my mother ever taught me how to make, and ever since they've been our go to drink whenever we see each other. Hers especially are a thing of beauty: They're tangy, refreshing, and so loaded with booze that anymore than two will have you flat-out drunk.

Anyway, not much to do to make these. Just pour the juice, vodka, triple sec, and cordial into a shaker with ice, shake vigorously, and then pour into a martini glass. Be careful though, because these things are strong as fuck. My mother is Irish, and believe me when I say the bitch does not fuck around with her booze.

Maple Syrup Cocktail
(Stolen from Steph Auteri at Nerve)

• 1 1/2 oz. bourbon
• 1/2 oz. pure maple syrup
• 1/2 oz. fresh lemon juice

I pretty much only took this one because I needed to find the most Canadian cocktail out there, and this seemed fairly Canadian, didn't it? Anyway, pretty simple set up, just pour everything into a shaker with ice, shake shake shake, pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a slice of lemon.

To be honest with you, I wasn't really feeling this one. I followed it to the letter, but it just wasn't very good. For only half an ounce, the lemon juice was overpowering, the bourbon had barely any presence aside from the slight burn of alcohol, and the the maple syrup could barely even be sensed as an aftertaste. Not huge on it. Maybe if you use more maple syrup, it might be okay, but even then, it's just not that great.

The McNuggetini

Watch this video and weep for humanity. Also, try to ignore the fact that it chose the most unfortunate looking screencap of me possible. Just...yeesh.

Cake Wreck'd

One thing you should know about me: I'm not perfect. I make mistakes almost constantly really. This should be indicative of exactly how well my attempt at baking a Nutella-Swirl Pound Cake (Recipe helpfully supplied by Vince Lambert).

Anyway, here's the thing: I initially took to the recipe because I like Vince and because Nutella happens to be a Canadian dietary staple, outranked only by maple syrup. True story. Anyway, here's how it's supposed to go:

Nutella-Swirl Pound Cake
(Courtesy of Lauren Chattman at Food & Wine)

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
• 4 large eggs, at room temperature
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
• 1 1/4 cups sugar
• One 13-ounce jar Nutella

Start off by preheating the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit and greasing and flouring a 5x9" loaf pan, shaking off any of the excess flour. Whisk together the eggs and the vanilla in a glass measuring cup (why that is, I'll never know), and in another one, whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt.

Push those off to the side for now, and with your totally kickass standing mixer, cream together the butter and the sugar together until delicious and fluffy. Mix in the eggs mixture, then add the flour mixture in thirds, beating thoroughly.


Now, to form the actual cake: Layer one-third of the batter into the cake pan, and follow it up by spreading half the Nutella on top. If this sounds, it's because it is. For those of you unclear as to the schematics, imagine trying to spread peanut butter on top of a piece of soggy bread.And the bread is in a four inch deep dish. Good luck with that. Anyway, just do it slowly and deliberately until it's all spread out.


Now, here's where I fucked up: The recipe says that you bake the cake for an hour and fifteen minutes. Obviously whoever came up with this number is a lying liar who tells lie, because that is NOWHERE NEAR close enough. You're best bet is to jab it with a fork every five minutes or so until it comes out clean.

The sad cake was horribly undercooked in the center, although on the plus side, the salvageable parts were pretty damn tasty. I mean yeah, half the cake was a soggy, sunken mess, but other than that? Not too shabbs. Just remember: Toothpick. Or fork. Whatever, just stab your baked goods.

Get Your Ass Back In The Kitchen

Yes, this is the Pornstar In The Kitchen 2010 Reebot. After a couple months of financial woes, a missing camera and crappy kitchen utensils, I've finally got my shit back together and I have two new recipes for you guys.
New Orleans Style Beignets
(From New Orleans Cuisine)

• 1 Envelope Active Dry Yeast
• 3/4 Cup Water (110 degrees F)
• 1/4 Cup Granulated Sugar
• 1/2 tsp Salt
• 1 Beaten Egg
• 1/2 Cup Evaporated Milk
• 3 1/2 - 3 3/4 Cups A.P. Flour
• 1/8 Cup Shortening (I just used butter)
  
• Vegetable Oil for Frying
• Powdered Sugar in a shaker or sifter

I got the idea for this one after seeing The Princess and the Frog. I have a thing for movies that incorporate food, so imagine my glee when Disney's latest Princess happened to be a chef.

Needless to say, I shit bricks.

It also gave us a glimpse into the culinary world of New Orleans: Gumbo, Banana Foster's and of course, Beignets. For those of you who don't know, beignets are little New Orleans style donuts which, while not containing a lot of sugar, are covered with a generous helping of powdered sugar. They're also an absolute bitch to make.

In a standing mixer outfitted with a dough hook, start off by mixing the yeast, the water and the sugar together and then allowing it to sit until it becomes frothy. While mine never really became all that frothy, it works equally well if you just let it sit for five minutes. No harm, no foul really. Once that's done, add the salt, egg, evaporated milk, and half the flour, mixing until it starts to look doughy. Add the shortening (or, if you're like me, butter) until well incorporated, then gradually add in the flour. Personally, I stopped adding it in once I hit a collective three cups of flour. At that point I took it out and kneaded in the remaining 1/2 cup of flour by hand.

Once the dough is fully formed, pop into a lightly greased and covered bowl and let it sit until it doubles in size (You're gonna have to eyeball it. Don't worry about going over any time limits here, although if you're in a rush, you might be shit out of luck.) Punch it down, flip it out onto a lightly floured surface and commence rolling/pressing/smashing it into a rectangle a 1/2" thick, then cutting it into 2x2" squares. throw them on a lightly floured cookie sheet, cover them with a cloth and let them rise in a warm environment.

Here's where it gets interesting: You're gonna have to fry these in about 2-3" of oil, heated to 350 degrees. If you don't have a deep fryer, listen up because this might be important: In order to set it to 350 on a stove top, put it to 4 and not, as I thought, 10. Really, don't. Best case scenario, you burn your first round of beignets to a blackened crisp, MELT your slotted spoon, and nearly start a grease fire that blessedly only results in some rather nasty splatter burns on your arms. Worst case scenario, you wind up on the front page as the dumbass who burnt himself alive trying to make donuts.
Anyway, set it to four, and when the oil is heated, place he beignets in 4 at a time, taking care not to squish them or let them deflate, making sure to flip them and get them all delicious and golden brown on both sides. When sufficiently bronzed, remove them from the oil, drying them off on some paper towels and dusting them with a generous helping of powdered sugar. Serve them warm with a cup of cafe au lait.

Real Cheeseburgers
Cheeseburgers are usually a fairly good test to see how potent a chef are you. Anyone can squish meat into a patty, cook it and throw it on a bun. But honestly, feel free to take as many liberties as you want with it.

As a guideline, the burger patty should consist of about 6 oz. of actual meat. This gives you plenty of room to work with though. You can add some bread crumbs with an egg, some chopped onions, bits of cheese, mix in some sausage or other ground meat, and of course you can always hit it with some Tabasco and/or Worcestershire sauce, but be careful on this one; a lot of people mistake heat for flavour, so make sure you're enhancing the taste without overpowering it.

There are plenty of ways to cook the burger, but personally, I like putting it under the broiler; there's less mess and you can do it year round if you live in the north. Cook on each side for 5 minutes, adding on a slice of cheese at the last minute (a mild Cheddar or Monterey Jack works best in my opinion, but go nuts).

Now, as far as burger toppings go, make it a fucking salad. Honestly, you might as well go all in here, so pile it high with thick slices of veggies. Lettuce, Tomatoes, Onions, pickles, banana peppers...If it grows in the ground, put it in there. For the bun, sesame seed works nicely, as does a good Kaiser Roll, though feel free to throw it in the broiler too to get it nice and crispy.

And for the love of God, DO NOT use two Krispy Kreme donuts as buns. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. By all means, if you really want to go right ahead and do it. Darwinism in action people. If you're dumb enough to sandwich a hunk of meat between to glazed donuts, you deserve the myocardial infarction/Type 2 Diabetes/10 pounds of fat that will forever be glued to your love handles that will surely ensue from eating something this horribly unhealthy.

Sorry, needed to be said. But really, DON'T.

Anyway, when it comes to condiments, try to go with the grade-a stuff. Organic if you can, homemade of possible, and you can always go for different varieties (I personally swear by wasabi mustard). Other than that, Bon Appetit!

About Goddamn Time

Yes, I know, I've been neglecting my cooking. Believe me, I've had a VERY good reason for it. A very good reason that I will not be getting into right now. But enough about that, because look! I have a new post and everything!

Anyway, I've got both a dinner recipe and a dessert recipe, should you feel so inclined to treat yourself. For dinner: Pasta Carbonara with Poached Eggs, and for dessert, Pecan Pie.

Pasta Carbonara with Poached Eggs
(Shamelessly stolen from Epicurious)

• 2 bacon slices, cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1/4 pound spaghetti
• 1/2 tablespoon unsalted butter
• 1/3 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano plus additional for serving
• 1 to 2 tablespoons chopped tarragon or parsley
• 1 large egg

Start off by frying the bacon in a skillet until it's nice and crispy, but hopefully, not to the point of being burnt into a blackened crisp. That would kinda totally suck a fat one, wouldn't it? Anyway, when you're done with that, dry the bacon on a paper towel, and put the skillet and the bacon grease off to the side.

Boil the spaghetti in a pot of boiling water until al dente, and while that's boiling, mix together the bacon grease and the butter in your skillet. Once that's done, mix in the cheese, the spices, your crumbled bacon and some of the water from your spaghetti (about 1/3 of a cup should do it). When you're spaghetti is done, drain it (or scoop it out to save the boiling water for your egg) and mix it in with the sauce in the skillet.

To top it off, you're gonna need a poached egg. Having never actually made one of these before today, I honestly had no fucking clue how these things worked. As it turns out, there are a couple ways to pull this off without creating egg soup. You can either pour a bit of white vinegar in the water (which I didn't do, since I, you know, didn't actually HAVE any), or you can stir the boiling water into a mini-whirlpool and then just drop the egg in the center, which will keep your egg together. Then just boil it for about three minutes to keep the egg yolk soft and runny, then take it out with a slotted spoon and serve it over the pasta.

Pecan Pie
(Stolen from...Someone. I can't remember who)

• 3/4 Cup of Sugar
• 1 1/2 Tablespoons of Flour
• 3 Eggs
• 3 Tablespoons of Melted Butter
• 1 Cup of Corn Syrup
• 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
• 1 Cup of Coarsely Chopped Pecans
• 1 prepared Pie Shell

This next one was a bit of a pain in the tuchus. Despite baking this last year, and having it turn out perfectly, this year's Thanksgiving pie turned out...somewhat worse for wear, really. Not that it wasn't good; on the contrary, it earned some pretty rave reviews. It was just mind-meltingly delicious. The only problem was that it didn't set well, so rather than Pecan Pie, I was left with Pecan Soup. Bummer.

Anyway, the way you're SUPPOSED to make it goes like this: Whisk together the sugar, flour, eggs and butter until it's golden brown and smooth. After that, whisk in the syrup, the vanilla and the pecans and pour the delicious, golden syrup into a prepared pie crust. Bake it at 375 for 30 minutes, then let it cool on a wire rack (or if you have one available, a window sill, if only for the kitsch value).

So far, my theory on this is that something about the pie crust threw it off. Last year, I only had to make one, so I tortured myself by making one from scratch. This year, however, I had to make two of these, so in order to cut some corners, I made the mistake of buying a Pillsbury crust. I know, I know, that's like a mortal sin for bakers, but I absolutely SUCK at making pie crusts. Anyway, prepping this crust involved poking holes in it, which I think may have affected it, but who knows? Anyone care to shed some light on this bitch?