I'm A Terrible Food Blogger

I know, I know, I haven't updated this thing in a month. But I have a very valid excuse! At least, it seems very valid to me. Long story short, I've been in and out of the hospital for the past month, I couldn't keep solid food down for about two straight weeks, and since I wasn't working, I couldn't afford to buy ingredients. It's been a rough month.

But that's okay, because I am back to relatively normal! And I even got linked to by both Queerclick and Fleshbot in the same day, which made me do one of these:


Awesomeness.

Anyway, as thanks for the linkage, and because I now feel really guilty for not updating enough, here are a couple new recipes!

Shepherd's Pie

• 1 1/2 - 2 lbs. of Ground Chuck Beef
• One large Onion
• Oregano
• Basil
• Paprika
• Soy Sauce
• Tabasco
  
• 1-2 cans of Corn
• Butter
• Milk
• About 12 Potatoes

This is one of those very special recipes that I completely pulled out of my ass. I went into this knowing that Shepherd's pie needed three things: Meat, Potatoes and corn (or peas and carrots. But I was raised on corn, so everyone else can suck it.) Aside from that, I was flying blind.

Start off by browning your beef in a medium-sized pot, with your onions. Add as much soy sauce, tabasco, spices and so on as you wish in order to season the meat. Honestly, seasoning the meat is what's going to keep it from tasting like mushy sadness, so by all means, go nuts.

Drain the beef of all the fatty juices and spread it out on the bottom of a casserole dish. I honestly had no idea shepherd's pie was technically a casserole, although now that I know I can cook a casserole, I feel old. Anyway, layer the corn on top of your beef and you're done with steps one and two.

Peel, dice and boil 12 potatoes in a large pot. And I mean LARGE. Believe me, I made the mistake of throwing a shitload of potatoes into a pot that was obviously not big enough for a shitload of potatoes. It didn't really go well. But whatever, because once the potatoes are boiled, grab a potatoe masher and mash them up with some milk and butter until they're rich and fluffy. Layer it on top of it all, then bake it at 400 degrees Farenheit for half an hour.

Almond&M&M Cookies
(Adapted from Beantown Baker)

• 2 cups of Flour
• 1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
• 1/2 cup of Butter
• 3/4 cup of Brown Sugar
• 1/2 cup of Sugar
• 1 tsp of Vanilla
• 2 Eggs
• 1 cups of M&Ms
• 1 cup of Almonds

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a small bowl, stir together the flour and the baking soda, then set it aside. Cream together the butter, brown sugar, white sugar and vanilla until well blended. You'll know because you can hear Paula Deen orgasm in the distance. Bitch loves her butter. Add the eggs and beat well.

Next, gradually mix in the flour until you have a nice little dough going on, then mix in the M&Ms and almonds. Roll them out into little balls and bake them for 11 minutes. I think it made something like 3 dozen or so...Give or take. I wasn't really counting.

Doubled Down

I have to say, out of all the recipes I've ever put on the blog, this is by far the only one I've had serious moral hang-ups over. Sure, the McNuggetini was bad, but it never made me quit an entire food group, did it? Well, that's what the Homemade KFC Double Down will do: It will make you quit meat altogether. It's good, but once you have a sandwich with meat-as-bread, there's really no way you can go but down, can you?

Homemade KFC Double Down

• Chicken Breast Cutlets
• Buttermilk
  
• Flour
• Oregano
• Canola Oil
  
• Applewood smoked bacon
• Monterey Jack Cheese
• Ketchup
• Dijon Mustard
• Mayonnaise
• Garlic
• Tabasco

Sorry there's no real measurements; I pretty much just winged the whole thing. Soak the chicken in the buttermilk for about an hour, then dredge it in the flour and oregano until it's thoroughly coated. When it's done, fry it in the oil until it's crispy, brown and cooked through.
When that's done, cook the bacon until it's crispy too, then break it in half and place it on the bottom slice of chicken, covering it with the Monterey Jack Cheese. For the sauce, mix the ketchup, mustard, mayo, garlic and tabasco until you get a sauce that suits your fancy. Or at the very least, doesn't taste like something you can get at the actual KFC. Because, really...Just, no. Anyway, slather some on the other slice of chicken, put it all together into a sandwich, and bake it for a couple minutes until the cheese is all melty. Enjoy your affront against God.

Cookies 'N Cream

Did you know that I once witnessed two 20-something-year-old men beat the ever loving shit out of each other over the correct way to eat an Oreo? True story (...Not really). That is how much people love Oreos. And they go great with everything. There is nothing that will not work with an Oreo. They're the perfect cookie when it comes down to it, so I decided to make this week's a post an Oreo-themed one.

Oreo Cheesecake

• 24 oz. of Cream Cheese
• 1 48-pack of Oreos
• 1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream
• 1 Cup of Sugar
• 2 Tablespoons of Butter

Start off by crushing about half of the Oreos in a food processor and adding the butter. When it's become a sticky, chocolatey mess, press it into the bottom of a 10-inch springform pan. Place it in the freezer to harden.

Next, in a bowl on the side, whip your whipping cream (duh) until it stiffens to typical consistency, then add the sugar and whip some more. Next, cream your creamed cheese (once again, duh) until it's light and fluffy, then fold your whipped cream into the cream cheese. When those are incorporated, fold in the remaining half of your oreos, crushed and chopped up, and when it's all mixed together, pour it into the pan and allow it to refrigerate over night.

Cookies 'N Cream Cupcakes

• 28 Oreos
• 1 Stick of Butter
• 1 Cup of Sugar
• 2 Eggs
• 1 tsp. of Vanilla
• 1 1/2 Cups of Flour
• 1/2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. of baking powder
• 1/2 Cup of milk

Start off by twisting off 18 of the Oreos and lining 18 cupcake liners with one cookie shell each. Save the other halves of the Oreos on the side for garnish. If you can, use the one with the icing on it. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, eggs and vanilla together. In a separate bowl, mix your dry ingredients together and then add the dry mix gradually, alternating with the milk. When it's all mixed, crush up your remaining ten cookies and fold them into the batter. Afterwards, pour it into the liners and bake at 350 degrees for about 25-30 minutes until a fork comes out clean. It's supposed to make 12, but I ended up making 18, which means I'm either doing something wrong or something right.

To frost them, I used the Magnolia Bakery frosting recipe from a couple weeks back.

White Russian

• 2 oz. Vodka
• 1 oz. Kahlua
• Light Cream

Hey, what goes better with Oreos then milk? Especially if it's jacked up with booze. Pour it all into an old fashioned with ice, top it off with the light cream and and stir together well.

Hey Look, More Cupcakes

Yes, this is the third post in a row that features cupcakes. But you know what? Fuck it, everyone loves cupcakes. Did you know that cupcakes are officially a dietary staple of Manhattan? Yup, right up there with coffee, overpriced food from restaurants that you will never get into, and crystal meth. In all honesty, I've just always had a fondness for cupcakes. Sure, they're nowhere near as big as cupcakes, but they're small and spunky and their size to ass-kicking ratio is pretty damn spot on.

Vegan Rootbeer Float Cupcakes
(Via BitterSweet)

• 1 Cup of Rootbeer
• 1 tsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar
• 3/4 Cup of Sugar
• 1/3 Cup of Canola Oil
• 1/2 tsp. of vanilla
• 2 tsp. of Rootbeer extract (you can get it online or at Walmart)
• 1 1/3 Cup of Flour
• 3/4 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. of baking powder

Start off by mixing together the Rootbeer and the vinegar, then letting it stand for a couple minutes. Whisk in the sugar and oil, then integrate the extracts. Mix together the flour, baking soda and powder and then add it gradually into the wet ingredients. Mix it all together until it forms a batter, then pour it into paper liners and bake it at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes until a toothpick or a fork comes out clean. Once they're cooled, top it off with a small scoop of vegan vanilla ice cream and a cherry.

Maple Bacon Cupcakes
(via Vanilla Garlic)

• 1 stick of butter, plus a half tablespoon
• 1/2 a Tbsp. of solidified bacon fat
• 1 Egg
• 1/4 Cup + a Tbsp. of Brown Sugar
• 1/4 Cup of Maple Syrup
• 1 1/4 Cup of Flour
• 1 tsp. of baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. of baking powder
• 1/4 Cup of Milk
• 1/4 of minced bacond, cooked and drained (approx. 5 slices)
• Half a stick of Butter
• 2 Tbsp. of Maple Syrup
• 1 Cup of Powdered sugar
  

Cook at least five thick strips of bacon in a skillet, saving the bacon grease and putting it into the fridge or freezer to solidify. While waiting, mince the bacon, saving 1/4 Cup for the cakes, eating whatever excess is left. Go ahead; you deserve it.
Once your fat has solidified, mix half a tablespoon with the butter until fluffy, then beat in your brown sugar and maple syrup. At the risk of sounding like Ina Garten, make sure you use GOOD syrup, not that fake American shit. Real syrup is thin as water and comes in a can. Accept no substitutes on this one. Also, be very careful about measuring your syrup; this stuff is extremely testy in baking, and fucking it up can ruin a batter. No pressure though. Anyway, when the syrup and sugar is mixed in, mix in your egg.

Now, sift together your flour, baking soda and powder (AGAIN) then incorporate it into the batter, alternating between the flour and the milk and finishing with the flour. Finally, add your minced bacon, fold it in, then pour it into paper cupcake liners and bake at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes, or until the toothpick comes out clean. To frost them, just mix together half a stick of butter with the syrup and sugar, and once they're cool, frost those bitches up.

I Want Sprinkles

So this marks the second (SECOND!) week in a row that I've made cupcakes, so to commemorate this, I thought it would be cool to pay homage to the cupcake queen, Amy Sedaris, by recreating her "cover myself in frosting and sprinkles" picture. For the sake of a reference, that's Amy's version on the right over there. See how pretty and well put together it is? Well, if you want to see mine, it's at the end of the post, so it looks like you'll have to do some learnin'.

Yeah, I know, what a shame.

Anyway, quick backstory: My cousin was sick and a friend was coming down so they wanted dinner. Being the good little gay I was, I made some chicken in mushroom gravy with some KGB Cupcakes. And here's how you can do it.




Chicken In Creamy Mushroom Gravy
(From Epicurious)

• 1/3 C. of Flour
• 1 1/2 tsp. of Thyme
• 1/2 tsp. of Allspice
• 4 Large skinless, boneless chicken breasts.
• 1/2 stick of Butter
• 1 lb. of sliced mushrooms
• 1 small chopped Onion
• 1 C. of whipping cream
• 1 C. of Chicken Stock

Start off by mixing together in a small bowl the flour, the thyme and the allspice. Use only as much as you need to coat your chicken breasts. When they're coated, melt the butter in a large skillet over medium high heat and fry the chicken until it's cooked through and through.

Next slice your mushrooms, chop your onion and sautee it in the same pan you fried your chicken in until they've browned. Add the cream and broth and bring it to a boil for about a minute, then add the chicken back in. Reduce to medium-low, let it simmer, and add the remaining flour mixture until the gravy has a thickness suited to your tastes.

KGB Cupcakes
(Recipes from HTEAC and Dulcedo)

• 1 1/2 sticks of room-temperature Butter
• 1/2 C. of Cocoa Powder
• 1 1/2 C. of Sugar
• 1 Tbl. of Vanilla
• 3 large room-temperature eggs, separated
• 1/2 C. of cold water
• 1/2 C. Kahlua
• 2 1/4 C. of flour
• 3 Tsp. of Baking Soda
• 4 C. of Icing Sugar
• 3 1/2 Tbl. of Bailey's
• 1 stick of Butter

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit and preparing 24 cupcake liners. With an electric mixer, cream the butter, cocoa sugar and vanilla together until smooth. Separate the eggs and mix the yolks in with the batter until creamy while saving the egg whites on the side..

In a small bowl to the side, mix the water and Kahlua together, and in another side bowl, mix the flour and baking soda together. Alternately mix in the kahlua mixture and the flour mixture until both are fully incorporated into the batter. Now, getting back to those eggs whites; beat them hard until they form a stiff meringue (they'll form little peaks when it's been accomplished), then fold the meringue into the batter. Pour into the cups and bake for 25 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean.

For the frosting, it's just a matter of mixing the Bailey's, icing sugar and butter until it forms the thick frosting. Frost your cupcakes and to add the G to the KGB cupcakes, pour a couple drops on top of the frosted cupcakes. Not enough to make them soggy, but just enough to get a bit of the taste in there.

And finally, because I said I would...
Believe me, as hot as turning yourself into a human cupcake sounds, it doesn't quite compare to the realization that you have sprinkles in your crack. Ugh.

Hospitality Under The Influence

Who's your favourite celebrity chef? Giada De Laurentiis? Paula Dean? Brian Boitano? Well, if you answered anyone but Amy Sedaris, please hang your head in shame right now (Also, if you said Guy Fieri, please go stand in front of on-coming traffic.) Amy Sedaris is fucking awesome as shit, and her cook book has some awesome fucking recipes. You know who actually contributed a recipe to her book? STEPHEN FUCKING COLBERT. She is just that fucking radsauce. Anyway, I baked her totally tasty vanilla cupcakes and whipped up some Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting to go on top. How's that for deliciousness?

Tattletail's Vanilla Cupcakes
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)

• 1 1/2 sticks of Unsalted Butter
• 1 1/2 C. of Sugar
• 2 Eggs
• 2 tsp. of Vanilla
• 2 1/2 tsp. of Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp. of salt (I left this out)
• 2 1/2 C. of Flour
• 1 1/4 C. of Milk

Start off by pre-heating the oven to 375 degrees, cream the butter, and once it's all smooth and rich, add the sugar and beat that bitch until they're incorporated. Add your two eggs and beat well until it's a smooth little mess. Now add the vanilla, baking powder, salt (although I omitted that because salt is gross), flour and milk and beat that all together until it's light and fluffy and it looks like an actual, factual batter.
Once you've got yourself a tasty batter, line a muffin pan with those little paper cup things and scoop batter into them, filling them all about 2/3 of the way full. Bake them for 20 minutes, and check them by jabbing a fork into them until it comes out completely clean. It should produce two dozen, but I got 23, so obviously, I fucked up somewhere down the line.

Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting

• 2 sticks of Butter
• 8 C. of Confectioner's Sugar
• 1/2 C. of Milk
• 2 tsp. of Vanilla

Easy really. Throw the butter, milk, vanilla and half of the sugar into a bowl and mix it up, then add the remaining sugar one cup at a time. You can add a couple drops of food colouring to pretty it up, but that's up to you. Once the cakes have cooled, frost your delicious cupcakes. All done!

...Hey, I said these things were good, I never said they were necessarily hard or anything.

Break Up Bake Up

I eat my feelings. If this surprises you, then you should probably know right now: Bruce Willis was a ghost, Rosebud was Charles Foster Kane's sled, and Tyler Durden was actually a figment of Edward Norton's imagination. You're welcome.

But yes, I eat my feelings. A lot. Actually, I'll eat just about anything, but I hold a special place for binge-eating when I'm having what my mother refers to as "A Lifetime Movie Moment." She usually succeeds this by asking when my period is and whether or not I want to go halfsies on a box of tampons. My point is, shoveling massive amounts of food in your system when you feel like crap is both effective and therapeutic, and if you're not doing it, then what the fucking fuck is wrong with your narrow ass?

Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 1 3/4 C. of Flour
• 1/4 tsp. of Baking Soda
• 1 C. of Butter
• 1 C. of Sugar
• 1/2 C. of packed Brown Sugar
• 1 tsp. Vanilla
• 1/3 C. of Cocoa Powder
• 2 Tbl. of Milk
• 2 C. of White Chocolate Chips
• 1 Bottle of Vodka; Your Choice
  

Start off by putting the bottle of vodka in the freezer. Then, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cry for five minutes, then check the oven. It won't be ready yet, but now is an excellent time to crack open that vodka, isn't it? Go ahead, I won't judge you.

Whisk together the flour and the baking soda. Set it aside, then take another swig from your bottle. Don't bother with a glass, just swig it for about three beats. You'll be fine. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla until it's nice and incorporated. Rifle through your fridge for something to mix the vodka with to keep things fresh and exciting.

When that's done, mix in the cocoa powder and the milk until it's thick, smooth and dark. Put a hand against the fridge to balance yourself while the room is spinning. Fold in the flour mixture, and then throw in the chocolate chips. Look at your now empty bottle, wonder where your vodka went off too, then throw on a bathrobe and walk down the street to pick up some more vodka...On second thought, get some Tequila instead. Tequila sounds nice right now.

Stumble into the kitchen and roll the dough into little balls the size of golf balls...maybe a little smaller. I'd say eyeball it, but at this point your vision is blurred and you can't quite tell what's actual cookie and what's double vision. Pop the cookies in the oven for 12 minutes, and make sure you don't inadvertently fall asleep, or else you will die in a fire. Then how will you eat your cookies? Exactly. Take the cookies out of the oven (You might want to throw some oven mitts on beforehand, lest you forget), let them stand for 5 minutes, then cool them on a wire rack. Cram about five into your mouth while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, fall asleep on the couch and knock over the bottle, spilling tequila all over your carpet.

Makes about three dozen.

Happy Joint-Birthday To Me! Pass The GOOD Vanilla

In case the fact that I have a blog devoted entirely to cooking hasn't tipped you off, I thing have a thing for food. Love it. And by extension, I also love The Food Network (except for guy Fieri. He looks like a date rapist.) One of the shows on TFN, if you've never watched it and if you haven't go die in a fire jerkface, is The Barefoot Contessa, featuring Ina Garten.

Now, Ina's a good chef, and she seems to have a never-ending supply of gays at her disposal for dinner parties (seriously, bitch goes through them the way most people go through tissues), but she has this weird habit of always telling you to use the GOOD ingredients. You know, as opposed to the BAD ingredients. Because I was totally confused, and thought I could use the moldy ingredients with the bugs crawling in it. Anyhoo, Vince Lambert gave me the idea for this recipe, and since my mother and I were having a joint birthday (she's January 31st, I'm February 5th) I decided to make it for our birthday.

Beatty's Chocolate Cake
(courtesy of Ina Garten)

• Butter and flour (to grease the pans)
• 1 3/4 C. of flour
• 2 C. of Sugar
• 3/4 C. of Cocoa Powder (Sorry, but I just can't type "GOOD cocoa powder" without wanting to punch myself in the balls)
  
• 2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1 tsp. of baking powder
• 1 C. Buttermilk
• 1/2 C. of vegetable oil
• 2 extra-large, room temperature eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 C. of coffee

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then butter and flour two 8-inch cake pans. Personally, I just used one 10-inch pan...At least I think it was 10 inches. I didn't really bother measuring or anything. Point is, butter and flour a pan.

Next whisk the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking powder and baking soda together in a mixer until they're all whisked together. Meanwhile, in another bowl, whisk together the buttermilk, oil, eggs and vanilla until it's all mixed together. Now, just slowly pour the wet mixture in with the dry ones until it's well incorporated. Then, slowly again, mix in the cup of freshly-brewed coffee, making sure to scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl so that you can properly mix the batter. If it looks a little thin to you, don't worry, it's supposed to be that way. Believe me, I freaked out a bit too when I saw it, but it's totally okay because the cake is still going turn out all rich and delicious and not watery.

Anyway, if you're using the two 8-inch pans, bake for 30-40 minutes. However, I was flying blind with the 10-incher, so I just used the fork method; stab it with a fork or a knife or a toothpick or anything else pointy on hand until it comes out of the cake clean. Once done, just let them cool, and depending on how many pans you use, either slice it in half or whatever, then just frost the middle to make yourself a nice little layer cake. There's actually a frosting recipe that came with this, but I was in a rush so I just used the canned stuff, which was still good.

Choco Tacos? Fuck Yeah!

Here's a fun little tidbit you probably didn't know: We don't actually have ice cream trucks up here in Quebec. Yeah, I know, kind of a bummer really. I think it has something to do with the fact that seven months out of the year are spent in soul-crushing darkness and snow. Anyhoo, in order to remedy this, I made some homemade Choco Tacos, which apparently are something of a big thing down in the states, right? Anyway, the original recipe makes 12, but (A) who the fuck needs 12 very brittle Choco Tacos lying about? And (B) this is a bold-faced lie; I halved the recipe and, even after adding surplus ingredients, only ended up with five. But whatever, here's how to make them.

Choco Tacos (Makes 6 5)
(Courtesy of Serious Eats)
For the crepe shells

• 1 Egg
• 1/4 C. sugar
• 2 Tbl. melted butter
• 1 1/2 tsp of milk
• 1/4 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 C. flour

For the chocolate syrup

• 1/4 C. cocoa powder
• 1/2 C. sugar
• 1/2 C. Water
• 1/2 tsp. Vanilla

You'll also need some ice cream (Chocolate Chip or Cookie Dough works well) and some cashews.

Start off with the crepes; mix the sugar and the egg together into a sugary, yellow paste, then add the butter milk and vanilla, mixing until incorporated. Finally, add in the flour and whisk until it's all mixed up.

In a warm, lightly oiled skillet over medium heat, pour off the crepes one at a time, tilting the pan to spread out the crepe as thin as you can. Once it looks set (which WILL happen quickly, so stay on your toes) carefully flip it over so that you don't rip it. Because that would be bad.
Here's the fun part: In order to shape the tacos, grab a clean, hardcover book with a dustjacket, maybe around 200-250 pages thick (I used books from Chelsea Handler, Sarah Vowell and Christopher Moore if that gives you an idea) and drape the crepes over the spines of the books. Then, stick your crepe-covered books in the freezer and let them harden for about ten minutes.

While those freeze up, whisk together cocoa powder, sugar and water and boil for one minute (I simply used the frying pan I used for the crepes). Feel free to boil it for a little longer if you want it to be a bit thicker. From there, I just popped it in the fridge to cool it off. Once cooled, just add the vanilla and stir it up.
Once the shells are hard and the sauce is fixed, CAREFULLY brush the inside of the shells with the sauce, and throw them back into the freezer until the sauce hardens up. Once everything has set, start spooning in the ice cream (once again, carefully) into the shells, and once they're all stuffed, put them back in the freezer again to set. Yes, I know, there's a lot of freezing to be done here. Just suck it up.

Anyway, take them out of the freezer again, pour any remaining chocolate syrup on top and sprinkle with nuts. From there, you can either devour them straight out of the gate or store them in a freezer.

How Do You Like Your Eggs In The Morning?

...Unfertilized! (Hold for Laughter) Today's post is about Breakfast, which, according to Arrested Development, is the most important thing after family. Because simply put, everyone loves breakfast. I've never met a person who doesn't love breakfast, if only because they were probably killed by an angry mob of people who really, really, really like breakfast. It's just that good.

Frittatas

• 4 Eggs, lightly beaten with a table spoon of milk
• Half a chopped onion
• 1/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese
• Basil to taste
• Oil to grease a pan

I got this one from the guys over at Jack Manly, and I had to do it because, well, it looked amazing, and I'm a total sucker for onions. Love 'em. Anyway, start off by evenly coating a six inch frying pan and putting it on medium heat. Dice an onion and fry the onions until soft and warm, but not full-on caramelized.

Once that's done, take them off the pan, making sure to keep as much oil as you can on the pan. Pour half the egg mix into the pan, and once set, sprinkle half the cheese, onions and basil over the eggs. Top it all off by pouring the rest of the egg mix over it and sprinkle the remaining cheese, onion and basil over it.

Here's the fun part: in order to fully cook the frittata, you have to put a lid over the top of the pan. I'm not sure what the exact science is, but I'm assuming the steam cooks the top of the egg and the whole thing will rise like a souffle. Just keep peeking until the top looks solid and the frittata looks puffy. Once that's done, just slide it onto a plate. Don't worry if it deflates a bit, that's just what happens when you take it off the heat.

Personally, I loved it. I'm a big omelet person anyway, but I've never been able to flip one without completely tearing it to shit, so this kind of takes the possibility of totally fucking up out of the equation. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe doubling the amount of onions and cheese, since you can't really taste them that much in the eggs.

Brown Sugar Brie

• One wheel of brie cheese
• 1/4 cup of brown sugar
• 1/4 cup of chopped almonds
• 1 tablespoon of dijon mustard

This one I got from Mama Feist again, with whom I share a mutual love of all things cheese. Anyway, bit of a simple, albeit not all that accurate recipe. Start off by slicing the brie like you would a bagel. In a bowl, mix together the brown sugar, almonds and mustard into a sort of paste, then spread half of it on the inside of the brie, and the rest on top of the brie, so that it's layered brie-paste-brie-paste.

Place the brie in a ramekin or any other oven-safe bowl that can fit the brie. Bake it on whatever heat you want for however long you want until it's delicious and melty. Honestly, I never got an exact amount either way on this thing, so you're going to have to wing it. All I know is, when it melts, it's good. Serve it with some sliced up french bread.

Me & The Minibar

You know, I've been running this blog for a while now, and I STILL haven't done a post on the fine art of boozin'. I have seriously dropped the ball on this one, haven't I? Well worry no more, gay porn loving foodies, because I have for you this week three cocktails you can try at home, including the infamous McNuggetini. Read on to see how that ended.

Mama Feist's Cosmopolitans

• 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 2 oz. Vodka
• 2 oz. Triple Sec
• 1 oz. Lime Cordial

As Kate so eloquently put it, "Cosmopolitans are like Christianity. Wonderful in and of themselves, yet embarrassing to admit liking due to ties with obnoxious crazy people." And it's entirely true. Cosmos were the first drink my mother ever taught me how to make, and ever since they've been our go to drink whenever we see each other. Hers especially are a thing of beauty: They're tangy, refreshing, and so loaded with booze that anymore than two will have you flat-out drunk.

Anyway, not much to do to make these. Just pour the juice, vodka, triple sec, and cordial into a shaker with ice, shake vigorously, and then pour into a martini glass. Be careful though, because these things are strong as fuck. My mother is Irish, and believe me when I say the bitch does not fuck around with her booze.

Maple Syrup Cocktail
(Stolen from Steph Auteri at Nerve)

• 1 1/2 oz. bourbon
• 1/2 oz. pure maple syrup
• 1/2 oz. fresh lemon juice

I pretty much only took this one because I needed to find the most Canadian cocktail out there, and this seemed fairly Canadian, didn't it? Anyway, pretty simple set up, just pour everything into a shaker with ice, shake shake shake, pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a slice of lemon.

To be honest with you, I wasn't really feeling this one. I followed it to the letter, but it just wasn't very good. For only half an ounce, the lemon juice was overpowering, the bourbon had barely any presence aside from the slight burn of alcohol, and the the maple syrup could barely even be sensed as an aftertaste. Not huge on it. Maybe if you use more maple syrup, it might be okay, but even then, it's just not that great.

The McNuggetini

Watch this video and weep for humanity. Also, try to ignore the fact that it chose the most unfortunate looking screencap of me possible. Just...yeesh.

Cake Wreck'd

One thing you should know about me: I'm not perfect. I make mistakes almost constantly really. This should be indicative of exactly how well my attempt at baking a Nutella-Swirl Pound Cake (Recipe helpfully supplied by Vince Lambert).

Anyway, here's the thing: I initially took to the recipe because I like Vince and because Nutella happens to be a Canadian dietary staple, outranked only by maple syrup. True story. Anyway, here's how it's supposed to go:

Nutella-Swirl Pound Cake
(Courtesy of Lauren Chattman at Food & Wine)

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
• 4 large eggs, at room temperature
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
• 1 1/4 cups sugar
• One 13-ounce jar Nutella

Start off by preheating the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit and greasing and flouring a 5x9" loaf pan, shaking off any of the excess flour. Whisk together the eggs and the vanilla in a glass measuring cup (why that is, I'll never know), and in another one, whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt.

Push those off to the side for now, and with your totally kickass standing mixer, cream together the butter and the sugar together until delicious and fluffy. Mix in the eggs mixture, then add the flour mixture in thirds, beating thoroughly.


Now, to form the actual cake: Layer one-third of the batter into the cake pan, and follow it up by spreading half the Nutella on top. If this sounds, it's because it is. For those of you unclear as to the schematics, imagine trying to spread peanut butter on top of a piece of soggy bread.And the bread is in a four inch deep dish. Good luck with that. Anyway, just do it slowly and deliberately until it's all spread out.


Now, here's where I fucked up: The recipe says that you bake the cake for an hour and fifteen minutes. Obviously whoever came up with this number is a lying liar who tells lie, because that is NOWHERE NEAR close enough. You're best bet is to jab it with a fork every five minutes or so until it comes out clean.

The sad cake was horribly undercooked in the center, although on the plus side, the salvageable parts were pretty damn tasty. I mean yeah, half the cake was a soggy, sunken mess, but other than that? Not too shabbs. Just remember: Toothpick. Or fork. Whatever, just stab your baked goods.