Get Your Ass Back In The Kitchen

Yes, this is the Pornstar In The Kitchen 2010 Reebot. After a couple months of financial woes, a missing camera and crappy kitchen utensils, I've finally got my shit back together and I have two new recipes for you guys.
New Orleans Style Beignets
(From New Orleans Cuisine)

• 1 Envelope Active Dry Yeast
• 3/4 Cup Water (110 degrees F)
• 1/4 Cup Granulated Sugar
• 1/2 tsp Salt
• 1 Beaten Egg
• 1/2 Cup Evaporated Milk
• 3 1/2 - 3 3/4 Cups A.P. Flour
• 1/8 Cup Shortening (I just used butter)
  
• Vegetable Oil for Frying
• Powdered Sugar in a shaker or sifter

I got the idea for this one after seeing The Princess and the Frog. I have a thing for movies that incorporate food, so imagine my glee when Disney's latest Princess happened to be a chef.

Needless to say, I shit bricks.

It also gave us a glimpse into the culinary world of New Orleans: Gumbo, Banana Foster's and of course, Beignets. For those of you who don't know, beignets are little New Orleans style donuts which, while not containing a lot of sugar, are covered with a generous helping of powdered sugar. They're also an absolute bitch to make.

In a standing mixer outfitted with a dough hook, start off by mixing the yeast, the water and the sugar together and then allowing it to sit until it becomes frothy. While mine never really became all that frothy, it works equally well if you just let it sit for five minutes. No harm, no foul really. Once that's done, add the salt, egg, evaporated milk, and half the flour, mixing until it starts to look doughy. Add the shortening (or, if you're like me, butter) until well incorporated, then gradually add in the flour. Personally, I stopped adding it in once I hit a collective three cups of flour. At that point I took it out and kneaded in the remaining 1/2 cup of flour by hand.

Once the dough is fully formed, pop into a lightly greased and covered bowl and let it sit until it doubles in size (You're gonna have to eyeball it. Don't worry about going over any time limits here, although if you're in a rush, you might be shit out of luck.) Punch it down, flip it out onto a lightly floured surface and commence rolling/pressing/smashing it into a rectangle a 1/2" thick, then cutting it into 2x2" squares. throw them on a lightly floured cookie sheet, cover them with a cloth and let them rise in a warm environment.

Here's where it gets interesting: You're gonna have to fry these in about 2-3" of oil, heated to 350 degrees. If you don't have a deep fryer, listen up because this might be important: In order to set it to 350 on a stove top, put it to 4 and not, as I thought, 10. Really, don't. Best case scenario, you burn your first round of beignets to a blackened crisp, MELT your slotted spoon, and nearly start a grease fire that blessedly only results in some rather nasty splatter burns on your arms. Worst case scenario, you wind up on the front page as the dumbass who burnt himself alive trying to make donuts.
Anyway, set it to four, and when the oil is heated, place he beignets in 4 at a time, taking care not to squish them or let them deflate, making sure to flip them and get them all delicious and golden brown on both sides. When sufficiently bronzed, remove them from the oil, drying them off on some paper towels and dusting them with a generous helping of powdered sugar. Serve them warm with a cup of cafe au lait.

Real Cheeseburgers
Cheeseburgers are usually a fairly good test to see how potent a chef are you. Anyone can squish meat into a patty, cook it and throw it on a bun. But honestly, feel free to take as many liberties as you want with it.

As a guideline, the burger patty should consist of about 6 oz. of actual meat. This gives you plenty of room to work with though. You can add some bread crumbs with an egg, some chopped onions, bits of cheese, mix in some sausage or other ground meat, and of course you can always hit it with some Tabasco and/or Worcestershire sauce, but be careful on this one; a lot of people mistake heat for flavour, so make sure you're enhancing the taste without overpowering it.

There are plenty of ways to cook the burger, but personally, I like putting it under the broiler; there's less mess and you can do it year round if you live in the north. Cook on each side for 5 minutes, adding on a slice of cheese at the last minute (a mild Cheddar or Monterey Jack works best in my opinion, but go nuts).

Now, as far as burger toppings go, make it a fucking salad. Honestly, you might as well go all in here, so pile it high with thick slices of veggies. Lettuce, Tomatoes, Onions, pickles, banana peppers...If it grows in the ground, put it in there. For the bun, sesame seed works nicely, as does a good Kaiser Roll, though feel free to throw it in the broiler too to get it nice and crispy.

And for the love of God, DO NOT use two Krispy Kreme donuts as buns. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. By all means, if you really want to go right ahead and do it. Darwinism in action people. If you're dumb enough to sandwich a hunk of meat between to glazed donuts, you deserve the myocardial infarction/Type 2 Diabetes/10 pounds of fat that will forever be glued to your love handles that will surely ensue from eating something this horribly unhealthy.

Sorry, needed to be said. But really, DON'T.

Anyway, when it comes to condiments, try to go with the grade-a stuff. Organic if you can, homemade of possible, and you can always go for different varieties (I personally swear by wasabi mustard). Other than that, Bon Appetit!

About Goddamn Time

Yes, I know, I've been neglecting my cooking. Believe me, I've had a VERY good reason for it. A very good reason that I will not be getting into right now. But enough about that, because look! I have a new post and everything!

Anyway, I've got both a dinner recipe and a dessert recipe, should you feel so inclined to treat yourself. For dinner: Pasta Carbonara with Poached Eggs, and for dessert, Pecan Pie.

Pasta Carbonara with Poached Eggs
(Shamelessly stolen from Epicurious)

• 2 bacon slices, cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1/4 pound spaghetti
• 1/2 tablespoon unsalted butter
• 1/3 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano plus additional for serving
• 1 to 2 tablespoons chopped tarragon or parsley
• 1 large egg

Start off by frying the bacon in a skillet until it's nice and crispy, but hopefully, not to the point of being burnt into a blackened crisp. That would kinda totally suck a fat one, wouldn't it? Anyway, when you're done with that, dry the bacon on a paper towel, and put the skillet and the bacon grease off to the side.

Boil the spaghetti in a pot of boiling water until al dente, and while that's boiling, mix together the bacon grease and the butter in your skillet. Once that's done, mix in the cheese, the spices, your crumbled bacon and some of the water from your spaghetti (about 1/3 of a cup should do it). When you're spaghetti is done, drain it (or scoop it out to save the boiling water for your egg) and mix it in with the sauce in the skillet.

To top it off, you're gonna need a poached egg. Having never actually made one of these before today, I honestly had no fucking clue how these things worked. As it turns out, there are a couple ways to pull this off without creating egg soup. You can either pour a bit of white vinegar in the water (which I didn't do, since I, you know, didn't actually HAVE any), or you can stir the boiling water into a mini-whirlpool and then just drop the egg in the center, which will keep your egg together. Then just boil it for about three minutes to keep the egg yolk soft and runny, then take it out with a slotted spoon and serve it over the pasta.

Pecan Pie
(Stolen from...Someone. I can't remember who)

• 3/4 Cup of Sugar
• 1 1/2 Tablespoons of Flour
• 3 Eggs
• 3 Tablespoons of Melted Butter
• 1 Cup of Corn Syrup
• 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
• 1 Cup of Coarsely Chopped Pecans
• 1 prepared Pie Shell

This next one was a bit of a pain in the tuchus. Despite baking this last year, and having it turn out perfectly, this year's Thanksgiving pie turned out...somewhat worse for wear, really. Not that it wasn't good; on the contrary, it earned some pretty rave reviews. It was just mind-meltingly delicious. The only problem was that it didn't set well, so rather than Pecan Pie, I was left with Pecan Soup. Bummer.

Anyway, the way you're SUPPOSED to make it goes like this: Whisk together the sugar, flour, eggs and butter until it's golden brown and smooth. After that, whisk in the syrup, the vanilla and the pecans and pour the delicious, golden syrup into a prepared pie crust. Bake it at 375 for 30 minutes, then let it cool on a wire rack (or if you have one available, a window sill, if only for the kitsch value).

So far, my theory on this is that something about the pie crust threw it off. Last year, I only had to make one, so I tortured myself by making one from scratch. This year, however, I had to make two of these, so in order to cut some corners, I made the mistake of buying a Pillsbury crust. I know, I know, that's like a mortal sin for bakers, but I absolutely SUCK at making pie crusts. Anyway, prepping this crust involved poking holes in it, which I think may have affected it, but who knows? Anyone care to shed some light on this bitch?

Comfort Food

What a crazy fucking week it's been. After getting back from a show in Toronto, it appears the only souvenir I brought back with me was a cold. To make matters worse, my just-friend happened to step on a broken glass when we were at work at Campus, resulting in 9 stitches on his two smallest toes. Not fun.

Therefore, this week's theme is comfort food. Sometimes you just need a little something-something to get you over a particularly nasty little spell of sickness or ennui. So here it is: A three course meal of food, drink and dessert. Get some.

Double Double Cheese Cheese Grilled Cheese Sandwich

• 3 Slices of Rye Bread
• 2 Slices of American Cheese
• Some Slices of A Good Old Cheddar
• 3 Tablespoons of Butter
• 4 Tablespoons of Bacon Bits

Start off by spreading a tablespoon of butter on each slice of rye bread. Throw a slice of bread in a pan over medium heat, then add the American cheese and half the bacon bits and adding another slice of rye bread on top, allowing it to cook until the cheese has melted. When sufficiently melty, flip it, and throw the cheddar cheese and the other half of bacon bits on top, sealing the deal with the last slice of rye. When the bottom slice of bread starts to smoke a little, flip the whole thing over VERY CAREFULLY and cook until the cheddar has also melted. Believe me on the careful part. If need be, you can use some barbecue tongs, though I find a spatula, a little TLC, and a few F-Bombs should get you through it.

Sweetie Sweet Tea
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)

• 4 Tea Bags
• 4 Cups of Boiling Water
• 1 Cup of Sugar
• Cold Water
• A Fuck Load of Ice

Start off by boiling the water in whatever you have on hand, then once it becomes hot enough to deal some permanent damage, throw in the bags of tea and let it steep for about five minutes. Once that's done, pull them out and add a cup of sugar, allowing it to dissolve in the tea. Pour it all into a jug or a pitcher or what the fuckedy fuck ever and pour cold water until it's full.

Peanut Butter Cups

• 14 oz of chocolate, whichever kind you prefer
• 3 Tablespoons of butter
• 3/4 Cups of Peanut Butter
• 3/4 Cups of Confectioner's Sugar

In a double boiler, melt the chocolate with one tablespoon of your butter until it turns into a warm, gooey soup of deliciousness. Brush the chocolate into 12 paper cupcake cups then throw them in the freezer until they harden. While those are chillin' like villains, mix together the peanut butter, sugar and remaining butter until well mashed together. Once the shells have hardened, scoop a bit of the peanut butter mixture into each of the cups, then cover it with the remaining chocolate. Throw them in the freezer until hard, then take them out and keep them refrigerated.

Heartbreak Cake

As mentioned before, baking serves as a way for me to work my way through the heartache. And of course, the opportunity presented itself this week. It was the kind of sadness that just BEGS for you to fill the void with cupcakes.

But here's the thing about baking: No matter how bad it hurts, all you have to do is pour all the sadness and all the hurt into your cupcakes, then just cover it up with sweet, sugary icing and when you're ready, they can be the tastiest little cupcakes in the world.

Red Velvet Heartbreak Cupcakes
(Adapted from The Beantown Baker)

• 2 1/2 Cups of Flour
• 1 1/2 Cups of Sugar
• 1 Teaspoon of Baking Soda
• 1 Tablespoon of Cocoa Powder
• 2 Eggs
• 1 1/2 Cups of Vegetable Oil
• 1 Cup of Buttermilk
• 2 Tablespoons of Red Food Colouring
• 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
• 1 Cup of Sadness

Start off by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then sifting together the flour, sugar, baking soda and cocoa powder. I'm not really sure what the point of sifting is, since I usually don't get too many lumps of flour or cocoa powder, but if you wanna sift, thereby adding to huge friggin' pile of dishes you have to do ever, be my guest. Honestly, a good whisk does the trick for me.

Next up, whisk together your eggs, oil, buttermilk, colouring and vanilla. Now, for those who use the little droplet things of colouring, I fin that three of the little vials do the job. So just squeeze them dry and mix it up. When incorporated, add it to the dry ingredients and whisk until smooth. Feel free to add a cup of sadness if you happen to have some on hand.

When you're finished, pour them evenly into paper liners/greased and floured muffin tin and bake for about half an hour, or until you can stick a toothpick through the center and have it come out clean.
Brown Sugar Cream Cheese Frosting of Self-Delusion
(adapted from Joy the Baker, via Beantown Baker)

• 1 1/2 Sticks of Butter
• 4 oz. of Cream Cheese
• 1/4 Cup of Brown Sugar
• 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
• 2-3 cups of powdered sugar
• 1-2 tablespoons milk
• 2 Teaspoons of false happiness.

Like my cream cheese icing from a previous post, this just works so well with the given material. Simply cream together the cheese and butter at room temperature, then just add the rest of the ingredients, adding extra sugar or milk for smoothness as you see fit.

Homemade Basketti Sauce For The Win

Sorry for the late update on this one. For various reasons, I've been a little busy this week, which has put a severe dent in the amount of time spent in my kitchen. Thankfully, I managed to do not one, but TWO recipes for you this week, because I fucking love you all.

Bread Pudding

• One Loaf of French Bread
  
• 4 Cups of Milk
• 2 Cups of Sugar
• 3 Eggs
• 2 Tablespoons of Vanilla
• 1 Teaspoon of Cinnamon

Start off by cutting up your loaf of french bread into 1 inch cubes. Make sure you get a big baguette instead of one of those little rinky-dink ones, because it's gonna need to absorb all of the other ingredients. Once you've cubed your bread, soak it in the milk until you've got what can only be described as bread soup.

In a separate bowl, mix together the eggs, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon into a sweet, sweet sugary goo. For your own sake, try not to eat it. It's gonna be tough, because this stuff is alarmingly good . Anyways, mix it all up together, then pour it into a greased baking pan. Anyone should do, really. Bake it at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, or until it has become golden brown and the sides start to curl in a little. Your gonna be waiting a while, so in the meantime, why don't you eat a delicious baguette? Mmmmmm...
Spaghetti Sauce

• A Medium Can of Tomato Sauce
• A Small Can of Tomato Paste
• Half a Large Can of Diced Tomatos
• A Chopped Onion
• 1 1/2 Pounds of Ground Beef
• 4 Large Italian Sausages
• Rosemary
• Oregano
• Thyme
• Pepper

To be honest with you, I never made Spaghetti Sauce before. So as you can see, I more or less completely fucking winged this bitch. Word.

Start off by frying (or Barbecuing, depending on your mood) the italian sausages until the insides are cooked, and will no longer give you salmonella. While those are frying up, brown the beef in a bit of oil in a large pot, adding some Rosemary, Oregano, Thyme and Pepper to taste. Feel free to add as much as you want, depending on your taste.

Once the sausages are cooked, cut them up along with a large onion. Add them into the pot, along with the tomato sauce, tomato paste, and diced tomatoes. Simmer it for a while in order to make sure it's hot and spicy, then serve it with your choice of pasta, or if you're so inclined, eat it by itself. Honestly, this shit is thick as hell, and can serve a small army. Such is the power of a thick, meaty sausage.
As you can see, this week's theme is "Food that looks like cocks".

Pressure Cooker

This post marks a couple firsts for me: It's the first time that I will post not one single recipe, but a full course meal as well. It also marks the first time that I have ever completely lost my shit over one of my recipes.

It started a couple weeks ago when I took a request from Vincent Lambert, porn reporter extraordinaire, for a chocolate mousse recipe. Despite my previous attempt at mousse a couple years back resulting in White Chocolate Soup, I decided to go for it, as I am something of a gigantic idiot, and also because I like Vince.

A couple days later, I got an email from Mama Feist telling me that she was bringing me a sofa. In return I offered to have her and her boyfriend over a dinner of General Tao Chicken, her favourite dish. I figured I would do both recipes at the same time, as to kill two birds with one stone. Easy? Not so much.

Dark Chocolate Mousse
(Adapted from Bobby Flay)

• 5 1/2 oz. of Dark Chocolate
• 14 oz. of Cold Heavy Cream
• 3 Egg Whites
• 1 oz. of Sugar
• Whipped cream and shaved chocolate for garnish

Looking at the above recipe, I figured it wouldn't be anything too difficult, right? Well, it started out that way. I chopped the chocolate coursely and melted it in a bain marie (which is like a bowl placed in a pot of boiling water. It serves to heat something without burning it using direct heat). Once turning the dark chocolate into liquid pleasure, I set it aside to beat my the heavy cream.

You have to beat it until it stiffens and begins to form soft peaks, and the only way to do it is by placing it over some ice. Unfortunately, I didn't make enough, causing me to run around The Village like a chicken with it's head cut off. While I never found a bag of ice, I did manage to stumble upon my gay uncles (who happen to be getting married this weekend!) who also happen to be chefs. Lucky, huh? Anyway, they told me to put all the utensils in the freezer for about ten minutes, then beat it again hard. After doing so, I found my cream stiffening nicely until I got a whipped consistency.

Then came the eggs...The reason I failed the last time was because of the eggs. You're supposed to beat these while incorporating the sugar until it forms soft peaks as well, and if you don't beat it enough, your mousse won't solidify. After a first attempt where my eggs did little more than turn into high-protein foam, I added a bit of cream of tartar with the sugar, and my eggs became the meringue like substance I was looking for. After that, it was just a matter of folding in the eggs, then the cream with a whisk, then letting it cool in the fridge. I served the mousse in some goblets, topped with whipped cream and shaved chocolate.

It was at this point that Mama Feist, the boyfriend and my family dog Kahlua came through the door. While they sat down on the new couch and discussed whether Angel's David Boreanaz was also in Bones, I got to work making...

General Tao Chicken

• Cubed Chicken
• Flour
• An Egg
• Soy Sauce
• Oil
• A bottle or two of General Tao Chicken Sauce

For the most part, this isn't a very exact recipe. Got cut up the chicken into 1" cubes, then mix it with an egg and some soy sauce. When sufficiently moistened, toss it with the flour then fry it in oil until browned. Once it's fried, cook it in a wok with the oil and General Tao sauce. You can also fry it up with some copped peppers and onions for a little extra zing, then serve it on a bed of rice. Honestly, it's the simplest thing to make, but it tastes SO good.

For the salad, just toast some almond slices, then toss them in a bowl with mixed lettuce, sliced mandarins and some raspberry vinaigrette, then serve with a nice Pinot Grigio. Bon Appétit!

Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot Pie!

I'd like to start off this week's post with a round of shout outs. First one goes to Matt the Great! who took the time to send me a beautiful apron, matching chef's hat, and oven mitts and dish towels. The hat's a little doofy, but you gotta admit, it is totally cute. And floppy!
Next one goes to my Dad, who came over during the week with a fuckload of brand new kitchen utensils, saving me from having to use a spoon as a spatula. Thank the good lord for that one, huh? Finally, one last shout out to Sarah Larson, my most favouritest pie-hating Empress of Everything ever.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, Chicken Pot Pie: It's the first savory dish I've made for the site, which I suppose is something of a good thing for my belly. Honestly, I've funneled enough sugar down my throat to supply Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory for a year ever since I started this thing. It also gave me an opportunity to break out Amy Sedaris' wonderfully funny I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, something I really wish I could do more often than I actually do.
Chicken Pot Pie
(Adapted from Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence)

• Puff Pastry Sheets (Or failing that, store bought pie crusts)
• A 4 lb Chicken, pre-cooked
  
• A Large Onion
• A Large Carrot
• 3 Potatoes
• 2 Cups of Frozen Peas
• 1 Cup of Flour
• 3 Cups of Chicken Stock
• 1 Stick of Butter (1/2 Cup)

Start off by prepping your veggies: Peel and slice your carrots and your onion, and then cube your potatoes. Boil the carrots in a covered pot for four minutes, then drain them out and set them in a bowl. Brown the onions in some butter, and then throw them in the bowl. Boil your little bitty potato cubes for seven minutes then, you guessed it, also in the veggie bowl!
Once you have those out of the way, slice up the three stalks of celery and toss them in the bowl with your frozen peas.

Alright, now that your veggies are out of the way, it's time to make your cream sauce. In a pot over medium heat, boil the chicken stock with the flour and the butter, whisking until smooth. Feel free to add extra butter and flour as you see fit, for the sake of taste and texture respectively.

Now, assuming you have a pre-cooked chicken, skin the fucker. I'm not really sure how to do this, although after spending half an hour staring at mine, trying to flay off it's skin with my mind à la Dark Willow, I ultimately just got tired and proceeded to tear the damn thing apart with my hands. It lacks finesse, sure, but it's quite effective. Just pull off the skin, then slice the meat off the bone and chop it up into little bitty pieces. There's a good chance that if you enjoy this too much, you will end up becoming a serial murderer (or at the very least, an arsonist).

Now that you have your chicken and your cream sauce, throw them all into the bowl and toss them well, seasoning with salt and pepper. You can add a bit of tabasco sauce if you want a bit of a kick, but I'm a pussy, so I left that out.
Now, line a pie plate with the puff pastry sheet, or if like me you weren't able to find it, the Pillsbury Pie Crust. Bot work equally well, I must say. Once you have it pressed into the plate, scoop in your well tossed pie filling and seal it over with the other half of your choice of pastry. Use a fork to seal over the edges, as well as giving it a little of that ye olde charm. Cut a few slices into the top of the pie, and try to make it look pretty. I prefer my pies to have a simple, rustic look to them, so I just did a simple little pattern with some slices. When that's done, bake the pie at 450 degrees for 35 minutes until brown, then let it cool on either a wire rack, or if you're feeling folksy, let it cool on a window sill while Lassie saves Timmy from the well.

Bon Appétit!

Vegetables? In Cake? EVERYBODY PANIC!

Veggie cakes tend to get a bit of a bad wrap. Considering how often most people actually eat vegetables, wouldn't incorporating greens into all the sugary junk you actually WANT to eat make more sense? And before you even go there, sugar does not count as a veggie. Neither does chocolate. I'm sure you must be crushed.

This week's project is for Pornobobbie, who requested Carrot Cake, because let's face it, who doesn't fucking love Carrot Cake? The answer of course is Hitler. Hitler didn't like Carrot Cake. Or puppies. Or gay porn. What I'm trying to say is, Hitler was a fun-wrecking dickhead and Carrot Cake is delicious.

Carrot Cake
(Adapted/stolen from Stephanie Jaworski at Joy of Baking)

• 1 Cup of Walnuts
• 2 1/2 Cups of finely grated Carrots
• 2 Cups of Flour
• 1 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
• 1 1/2 tsp of Ground Cinnamon
• 4 Eggs
• 1 1/2 Cups of Sugar
• 1 Cup of Canola Oil
• 2 tsp of Vanilla Extract

Start of by preparing the nuts and the carrots. Toast the walnuts by heating the oven to 350 F, then throwing the walnuts in the oven on a cookie sheet for about 7-8 minutes. One thing you should probably know though: apparently, you need to toast these little fuckers BEFORE you chop them up. I, however, bought a bag of pre-chopped walnuts. Because I'm an idiot. Awesome. Anyway, once those are out of the oven, chop them up coarsely.

Now the carrots...God I hated this part. Chop off the ends of the carrots, peel them then grate them into thin little pieces of orange, carrot-ey goodness. You're gonna need about 2 1/2 cups of it, which is roughly the size of three big carrots. You can eyeball it yourself, but to be honest, your cake probably won't blow up into a flaming ball of failure if you're a little under.

Next up, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder and cinnamon in a bowl and set that aside. In another bowl, beat the eggs until frothy, while gradually adding the sugar in bit by bit until thick. Add the oil in afterwards in a steady stream, then add the vanilla.

Once you have your dries and your liquids sufficiently mixed, it's time to combine those fuckers. Once incorporated, fold in both the carrots and the nuts, then pour the whole thing in a greased 10" cake pan. Bake it at 350 F for 40-45 minutes, then cool it on a wire rack. Once it's cooled, it's time to ice it...

Cream Cheese Icing

• 8 oz. Cream Cheese
• 1/4 Cup of Butter
• 2 Cups of Icing Sugar
• 1 Tsp of Vanilla

This one's a little easier. Just cream together the butter and the cream cheese until smoothe, then add in the icing sugar and vanilla, then beat until thick and ribbon-ey. Afterwards, cut the cake in half horizontally and ice the inside and the top of the cake.

One final word of advice...While licking the beaters is one of those things you simply HAVE to do when baking, you might not want to do this with a handmixer, unless of course you enjoy having your tongue caught and subsequently ripped out by one of these little fuckers.

Key Lime Pie: Fun With Whipped Cream

To be honest with you, I have a bit of a rocky relationship with pie. While there are a lot of pies I'm quite fond of, it seems like the only ones that get any press are the shit ones. I'm looking at you, apple pie. You hear me? You're dead to me, apple pie! You and all your fruit pie brethren! YOU'RE ALL DEAD TO ME! DEAD LIKE LINCOLN!

...Ahem. Sorry, don't know where that came from.

Anyways, the smoother pies have always held a place in my heart. Custards, puddings, shit like that, really. Stupid fruit pies think they're so great...Lemon and lime pies are a favourite, mostly because they have that tangy little kick to them, but they're still topped off with some sweet, fluffy goodness. Anyhoodle, thanks to Rocco Giovanni, I decided to try my hand at a Key Lime Pie this week. The recipe is as follows...

Key Lime Pie
(courtesy Joe's Stone Crab Restaurant)

• 200 g of Graham Crackers
• 5 Tb of melted butter
• 3 Egg Yolks
• 2 Tsp of lime zest
• 14-oz of Condensed Milk
• 2/3 cup of lime juice
• An entire can of whipped cream

Start off by crushing the graham crackers in a food processor, or just wreck their shit with a rolling pin. You have no idea how much fun this part is to me. Love it. Anyway, once your done with that, stir in the melted butter until it's all sticky, then press it into a pie plate of your choosing. I always have trouble with this part, but who the hell are we kidding, no one cares about the crust anyways. It's all about the filling. Your crust can look like it was beaten to death with the fugly stick, but as long as you've got some rockin' filling, no one cares. Anyway, bake that at 350 degrees (F) for 8 minutes until it's golden brown.

Next, beat together the three egg yolks with the lime zest into a frothy goodness with an electric mixer, or, if you're like me and you're too cheap to buy one and you're too lazy to steal the one your dad never uses, beat it with a whisk until your arm gets tired and your sex life goes down the drain. Afterward, beat in the condensed milk gradually until it becomes thick and delicious, then do the same for the lime juice. Pour the filling into the pie crust and bake it at 350 (again) for ten minutes. When it's done, cool it on a rack, then fridge that bitch.
Once it's completely cool, break out that can of whipped cream and go to town. Put as much or as little on it as you want. Personally, I like to smother it with whipped cream because, let's face it, whipped cream is delicious. Actually, I might have gone just a tiny bit overboard with the whipped cream...
What can I say? I loves me my whipped cream.

Death By Chocolate Is A Myth

I kinda feel bad about making my very first post about chocolate chip cookies. There's nothing inherently wrong with cookies, really. They're warm, gooey, and they go great with a glass of milk and all that. No, I feel bad because a certain someone (You know who you are) I know happens to be a raging cookie-holic*. He also happens to be on a diet right now. It's one of life's strange little paradoxes. Like jumbo shrimp. Or like how people who are big dicks usually have little dicks.

Anyhoodle, behold: My (now not so) top secret Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 1 Cup of butter-flavoured shortening
• 3/4 Cup of white sugar
• 3/4 Cup of packed brown sugar
• 2 Eggs
• 2 Teaspoons of Vanilla
• 2 Cups of all-purpose flour
• 1/4 Teaspoon of baking soda
• 2 Cups of chocolate chips

Start off by preheating the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (not sure what that is in Celsius, and I really don't care enough to do a 10 second google search, so fuck it). While that's warming up, creaming together the shortening, the white sugar and the brown sugar until it sort of looks like the wet sand you might find at a beach. I have to admit, the resemblance between the two is just uncanny, really. Anyway, once that's done, mix in the eggs and the vanilla as well. If I were a real chef, I'd probably say something about adding the eggs one at a time, but I'm not, so just dump that shit in there and whip it into smooth, sugary froth.


Next, sift the flour and baking soda into the bowl. Or if you're exceptionally lazy, like me, just pour it all in with reckless abandon. You'll thank me later. You can throw in a pinch of salt if you so fancy, but I can't really tell the difference either way, so I prefer to just skip the needless sodium altogether. Mix it together until you get the familiar site of cookie dough. Next, just pour in your choice of Chocolate chips. It doesn't matter what kind you use, so long as you like them. I use the semi-sweet variety, but to be fair, I'm exceptionally boring. Mint, Dark, White...Whatever you want, really.

When it's all mixed together, and the oven is sufficiently hot, roll the cookie dough into little balls. Mine are about the size of ping pong balls, but that's just a rough estimate, so feel free to play around with it. What I like to do is to flatten them out just a bit in my hand so that they spread out in the oven a little bit, without being to puffy or to thin. Once you got that out of the way, throw them in the oven for 15 minutes, though once again, feel free to play around with that to get the desired level of softness/crispiness. You can let them cool on a wire rack for a couple minutes, but if you don't have one handy, I guess you can just throw them on a plate or something. Either way, they're not long for this world. Enjoy them with a glass of milk, or you can store them in the freezer or in saran wrap. Enjoy!

*Not an actual word...I think.

A Quick FAQ While We Set Up The Kitchen

www.nataliedee.com

Who the hell are you?

My name is Jeremy Feist, and yes, as the title suggests, I am a Montreal-based, 18-year-old gay porn star. Spiffy, huh?

Sorta. What's the point of this blog, anyway?

Basically, this is how it works: I'll bake a couple new sugary bits of awesome every week, and then post the recipes here on the blog. Sometimes it'll just be words and text, and sometimes it'll be full-on video...At least, it will be once I figure out how to edit video anyway. Either/Or, really. Oh, and just to up the ante, I'll be doing it all wearing nothing but an apron. And I do mean NOTHING but an apron. Ha ha! Unseen dangly bits.

Isn't Johnny Hazzard doing something exactly like this? Only better?

*Sticks fingers in ears* ALALALALALALALA I CANNOT HEAR YOU I CANNOT HEAR YOU ALALALALALALALALA!

But-

ALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!

Alright fine. So why baking?

Well, here's more or less how it started...

The first time I ever baked was my Dad's 39th Birthday (Which I think made me 12...ish). I decided to bake him a coffee cake after finding a recipe in an old cookbook, and ended up whipping up a batter from scratch. It was perfect...at least it would have been, if my brothers hadn't decided to take some artistic freedom with the whole thing.

As it turns out baking, like most everything else, goes pretty well until you throw family into the mix, at which point it all sort of goes to shit. My older brother decided to add sprinkles to the batter, which are pretty much the culinary equivalent of Megan Fox: garrishly pretty, without adding any redeeming qualities to the mix. Naturally, said sprinkles sunk to the bottom of the pan during the actual baking process and formed a blackened shell that sealed the cake to its cooking vessel. Awesome.

Now, granted we could have just smoothed this over with icing, but once again my brothers intervened, slathering the cake in blue and green icing, then littering it in a mess of sprinkles (again with the fucking sprinkles...WHY WOULD YOU USE SPRINKLES?!), peppermints and old chocolate chips, which we found out moments later were infested by bugs. Mmmmmm...The end product, though delicious, was the cake wreck to end all cake wrecks.

But it wasn't the end product, it was the process that hooked me. The mixing, the measuring, watching as the batter rose up into a golden brown cake...I was done. However, I put my baking in the backseat for about a year, until of course my parents divorced. Afterwards, I used baking as a form of therapy to get me through it, and eventually, it evolved into an easy way for me to keep my Chakras balanced.

Fair enough. One more question before we go though.

Shoot.

You're just ripping off Johnny Hazzard, aren't you?

ALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!