Break Up Bake Up

I eat my feelings. If this surprises you, then you should probably know right now: Bruce Willis was a ghost, Rosebud was Charles Foster Kane's sled, and Tyler Durden was actually a figment of Edward Norton's imagination. You're welcome.

But yes, I eat my feelings. A lot. Actually, I'll eat just about anything, but I hold a special place for binge-eating when I'm having what my mother refers to as "A Lifetime Movie Moment." She usually succeeds this by asking when my period is and whether or not I want to go halfsies on a box of tampons. My point is, shoveling massive amounts of food in your system when you feel like crap is both effective and therapeutic, and if you're not doing it, then what the fucking fuck is wrong with your narrow ass?

Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 1 3/4 C. of Flour
• 1/4 tsp. of Baking Soda
• 1 C. of Butter
• 1 C. of Sugar
• 1/2 C. of packed Brown Sugar
• 1 tsp. Vanilla
• 1/3 C. of Cocoa Powder
• 2 Tbl. of Milk
• 2 C. of White Chocolate Chips
• 1 Bottle of Vodka; Your Choice
  

Start off by putting the bottle of vodka in the freezer. Then, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cry for five minutes, then check the oven. It won't be ready yet, but now is an excellent time to crack open that vodka, isn't it? Go ahead, I won't judge you.

Whisk together the flour and the baking soda. Set it aside, then take another swig from your bottle. Don't bother with a glass, just swig it for about three beats. You'll be fine. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla until it's nice and incorporated. Rifle through your fridge for something to mix the vodka with to keep things fresh and exciting.

When that's done, mix in the cocoa powder and the milk until it's thick, smooth and dark. Put a hand against the fridge to balance yourself while the room is spinning. Fold in the flour mixture, and then throw in the chocolate chips. Look at your now empty bottle, wonder where your vodka went off too, then throw on a bathrobe and walk down the street to pick up some more vodka...On second thought, get some Tequila instead. Tequila sounds nice right now.

Stumble into the kitchen and roll the dough into little balls the size of golf balls...maybe a little smaller. I'd say eyeball it, but at this point your vision is blurred and you can't quite tell what's actual cookie and what's double vision. Pop the cookies in the oven for 12 minutes, and make sure you don't inadvertently fall asleep, or else you will die in a fire. Then how will you eat your cookies? Exactly. Take the cookies out of the oven (You might want to throw some oven mitts on beforehand, lest you forget), let them stand for 5 minutes, then cool them on a wire rack. Cram about five into your mouth while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, fall asleep on the couch and knock over the bottle, spilling tequila all over your carpet.

Makes about three dozen.

Happy Joint-Birthday To Me! Pass The GOOD Vanilla

In case the fact that I have a blog devoted entirely to cooking hasn't tipped you off, I thing have a thing for food. Love it. And by extension, I also love The Food Network (except for guy Fieri. He looks like a date rapist.) One of the shows on TFN, if you've never watched it and if you haven't go die in a fire jerkface, is The Barefoot Contessa, featuring Ina Garten.

Now, Ina's a good chef, and she seems to have a never-ending supply of gays at her disposal for dinner parties (seriously, bitch goes through them the way most people go through tissues), but she has this weird habit of always telling you to use the GOOD ingredients. You know, as opposed to the BAD ingredients. Because I was totally confused, and thought I could use the moldy ingredients with the bugs crawling in it. Anyhoo, Vince Lambert gave me the idea for this recipe, and since my mother and I were having a joint birthday (she's January 31st, I'm February 5th) I decided to make it for our birthday.

Beatty's Chocolate Cake
(courtesy of Ina Garten)

• Butter and flour (to grease the pans)
• 1 3/4 C. of flour
• 2 C. of Sugar
• 3/4 C. of Cocoa Powder (Sorry, but I just can't type "GOOD cocoa powder" without wanting to punch myself in the balls)
  
• 2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1 tsp. of baking powder
• 1 C. Buttermilk
• 1/2 C. of vegetable oil
• 2 extra-large, room temperature eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 C. of coffee

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then butter and flour two 8-inch cake pans. Personally, I just used one 10-inch pan...At least I think it was 10 inches. I didn't really bother measuring or anything. Point is, butter and flour a pan.

Next whisk the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking powder and baking soda together in a mixer until they're all whisked together. Meanwhile, in another bowl, whisk together the buttermilk, oil, eggs and vanilla until it's all mixed together. Now, just slowly pour the wet mixture in with the dry ones until it's well incorporated. Then, slowly again, mix in the cup of freshly-brewed coffee, making sure to scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl so that you can properly mix the batter. If it looks a little thin to you, don't worry, it's supposed to be that way. Believe me, I freaked out a bit too when I saw it, but it's totally okay because the cake is still going turn out all rich and delicious and not watery.

Anyway, if you're using the two 8-inch pans, bake for 30-40 minutes. However, I was flying blind with the 10-incher, so I just used the fork method; stab it with a fork or a knife or a toothpick or anything else pointy on hand until it comes out of the cake clean. Once done, just let them cool, and depending on how many pans you use, either slice it in half or whatever, then just frost the middle to make yourself a nice little layer cake. There's actually a frosting recipe that came with this, but I was in a rush so I just used the canned stuff, which was still good.

Choco Tacos? Fuck Yeah!

Here's a fun little tidbit you probably didn't know: We don't actually have ice cream trucks up here in Quebec. Yeah, I know, kind of a bummer really. I think it has something to do with the fact that seven months out of the year are spent in soul-crushing darkness and snow. Anyhoo, in order to remedy this, I made some homemade Choco Tacos, which apparently are something of a big thing down in the states, right? Anyway, the original recipe makes 12, but (A) who the fuck needs 12 very brittle Choco Tacos lying about? And (B) this is a bold-faced lie; I halved the recipe and, even after adding surplus ingredients, only ended up with five. But whatever, here's how to make them.

Choco Tacos (Makes 6 5)
(Courtesy of Serious Eats)
For the crepe shells

• 1 Egg
• 1/4 C. sugar
• 2 Tbl. melted butter
• 1 1/2 tsp of milk
• 1/4 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 C. flour

For the chocolate syrup

• 1/4 C. cocoa powder
• 1/2 C. sugar
• 1/2 C. Water
• 1/2 tsp. Vanilla

You'll also need some ice cream (Chocolate Chip or Cookie Dough works well) and some cashews.

Start off with the crepes; mix the sugar and the egg together into a sugary, yellow paste, then add the butter milk and vanilla, mixing until incorporated. Finally, add in the flour and whisk until it's all mixed up.

In a warm, lightly oiled skillet over medium heat, pour off the crepes one at a time, tilting the pan to spread out the crepe as thin as you can. Once it looks set (which WILL happen quickly, so stay on your toes) carefully flip it over so that you don't rip it. Because that would be bad.
Here's the fun part: In order to shape the tacos, grab a clean, hardcover book with a dustjacket, maybe around 200-250 pages thick (I used books from Chelsea Handler, Sarah Vowell and Christopher Moore if that gives you an idea) and drape the crepes over the spines of the books. Then, stick your crepe-covered books in the freezer and let them harden for about ten minutes.

While those freeze up, whisk together cocoa powder, sugar and water and boil for one minute (I simply used the frying pan I used for the crepes). Feel free to boil it for a little longer if you want it to be a bit thicker. From there, I just popped it in the fridge to cool it off. Once cooled, just add the vanilla and stir it up.
Once the shells are hard and the sauce is fixed, CAREFULLY brush the inside of the shells with the sauce, and throw them back into the freezer until the sauce hardens up. Once everything has set, start spooning in the ice cream (once again, carefully) into the shells, and once they're all stuffed, put them back in the freezer again to set. Yes, I know, there's a lot of freezing to be done here. Just suck it up.

Anyway, take them out of the freezer again, pour any remaining chocolate syrup on top and sprinkle with nuts. From there, you can either devour them straight out of the gate or store them in a freezer.

Comfort Food

What a crazy fucking week it's been. After getting back from a show in Toronto, it appears the only souvenir I brought back with me was a cold. To make matters worse, my just-friend happened to step on a broken glass when we were at work at Campus, resulting in 9 stitches on his two smallest toes. Not fun.

Therefore, this week's theme is comfort food. Sometimes you just need a little something-something to get you over a particularly nasty little spell of sickness or ennui. So here it is: A three course meal of food, drink and dessert. Get some.

Double Double Cheese Cheese Grilled Cheese Sandwich

• 3 Slices of Rye Bread
• 2 Slices of American Cheese
• Some Slices of A Good Old Cheddar
• 3 Tablespoons of Butter
• 4 Tablespoons of Bacon Bits

Start off by spreading a tablespoon of butter on each slice of rye bread. Throw a slice of bread in a pan over medium heat, then add the American cheese and half the bacon bits and adding another slice of rye bread on top, allowing it to cook until the cheese has melted. When sufficiently melty, flip it, and throw the cheddar cheese and the other half of bacon bits on top, sealing the deal with the last slice of rye. When the bottom slice of bread starts to smoke a little, flip the whole thing over VERY CAREFULLY and cook until the cheddar has also melted. Believe me on the careful part. If need be, you can use some barbecue tongs, though I find a spatula, a little TLC, and a few F-Bombs should get you through it.

Sweetie Sweet Tea
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)

• 4 Tea Bags
• 4 Cups of Boiling Water
• 1 Cup of Sugar
• Cold Water
• A Fuck Load of Ice

Start off by boiling the water in whatever you have on hand, then once it becomes hot enough to deal some permanent damage, throw in the bags of tea and let it steep for about five minutes. Once that's done, pull them out and add a cup of sugar, allowing it to dissolve in the tea. Pour it all into a jug or a pitcher or what the fuckedy fuck ever and pour cold water until it's full.

Peanut Butter Cups

• 14 oz of chocolate, whichever kind you prefer
• 3 Tablespoons of butter
• 3/4 Cups of Peanut Butter
• 3/4 Cups of Confectioner's Sugar

In a double boiler, melt the chocolate with one tablespoon of your butter until it turns into a warm, gooey soup of deliciousness. Brush the chocolate into 12 paper cupcake cups then throw them in the freezer until they harden. While those are chillin' like villains, mix together the peanut butter, sugar and remaining butter until well mashed together. Once the shells have hardened, scoop a bit of the peanut butter mixture into each of the cups, then cover it with the remaining chocolate. Throw them in the freezer until hard, then take them out and keep them refrigerated.

Pressure Cooker

This post marks a couple firsts for me: It's the first time that I will post not one single recipe, but a full course meal as well. It also marks the first time that I have ever completely lost my shit over one of my recipes.

It started a couple weeks ago when I took a request from Vincent Lambert, porn reporter extraordinaire, for a chocolate mousse recipe. Despite my previous attempt at mousse a couple years back resulting in White Chocolate Soup, I decided to go for it, as I am something of a gigantic idiot, and also because I like Vince.

A couple days later, I got an email from Mama Feist telling me that she was bringing me a sofa. In return I offered to have her and her boyfriend over a dinner of General Tao Chicken, her favourite dish. I figured I would do both recipes at the same time, as to kill two birds with one stone. Easy? Not so much.

Dark Chocolate Mousse
(Adapted from Bobby Flay)

• 5 1/2 oz. of Dark Chocolate
• 14 oz. of Cold Heavy Cream
• 3 Egg Whites
• 1 oz. of Sugar
• Whipped cream and shaved chocolate for garnish

Looking at the above recipe, I figured it wouldn't be anything too difficult, right? Well, it started out that way. I chopped the chocolate coursely and melted it in a bain marie (which is like a bowl placed in a pot of boiling water. It serves to heat something without burning it using direct heat). Once turning the dark chocolate into liquid pleasure, I set it aside to beat my the heavy cream.

You have to beat it until it stiffens and begins to form soft peaks, and the only way to do it is by placing it over some ice. Unfortunately, I didn't make enough, causing me to run around The Village like a chicken with it's head cut off. While I never found a bag of ice, I did manage to stumble upon my gay uncles (who happen to be getting married this weekend!) who also happen to be chefs. Lucky, huh? Anyway, they told me to put all the utensils in the freezer for about ten minutes, then beat it again hard. After doing so, I found my cream stiffening nicely until I got a whipped consistency.

Then came the eggs...The reason I failed the last time was because of the eggs. You're supposed to beat these while incorporating the sugar until it forms soft peaks as well, and if you don't beat it enough, your mousse won't solidify. After a first attempt where my eggs did little more than turn into high-protein foam, I added a bit of cream of tartar with the sugar, and my eggs became the meringue like substance I was looking for. After that, it was just a matter of folding in the eggs, then the cream with a whisk, then letting it cool in the fridge. I served the mousse in some goblets, topped with whipped cream and shaved chocolate.

It was at this point that Mama Feist, the boyfriend and my family dog Kahlua came through the door. While they sat down on the new couch and discussed whether Angel's David Boreanaz was also in Bones, I got to work making...

General Tao Chicken

• Cubed Chicken
• Flour
• An Egg
• Soy Sauce
• Oil
• A bottle or two of General Tao Chicken Sauce

For the most part, this isn't a very exact recipe. Got cut up the chicken into 1" cubes, then mix it with an egg and some soy sauce. When sufficiently moistened, toss it with the flour then fry it in oil until browned. Once it's fried, cook it in a wok with the oil and General Tao sauce. You can also fry it up with some copped peppers and onions for a little extra zing, then serve it on a bed of rice. Honestly, it's the simplest thing to make, but it tastes SO good.

For the salad, just toast some almond slices, then toss them in a bowl with mixed lettuce, sliced mandarins and some raspberry vinaigrette, then serve with a nice Pinot Grigio. Bon Appétit!