I'm A Terrible Food Blogger

I know, I know, I haven't updated this thing in a month. But I have a very valid excuse! At least, it seems very valid to me. Long story short, I've been in and out of the hospital for the past month, I couldn't keep solid food down for about two straight weeks, and since I wasn't working, I couldn't afford to buy ingredients. It's been a rough month.

But that's okay, because I am back to relatively normal! And I even got linked to by both Queerclick and Fleshbot in the same day, which made me do one of these:


Awesomeness.

Anyway, as thanks for the linkage, and because I now feel really guilty for not updating enough, here are a couple new recipes!

Shepherd's Pie

• 1 1/2 - 2 lbs. of Ground Chuck Beef
• One large Onion
• Oregano
• Basil
• Paprika
• Soy Sauce
• Tabasco
  
• 1-2 cans of Corn
• Butter
• Milk
• About 12 Potatoes

This is one of those very special recipes that I completely pulled out of my ass. I went into this knowing that Shepherd's pie needed three things: Meat, Potatoes and corn (or peas and carrots. But I was raised on corn, so everyone else can suck it.) Aside from that, I was flying blind.

Start off by browning your beef in a medium-sized pot, with your onions. Add as much soy sauce, tabasco, spices and so on as you wish in order to season the meat. Honestly, seasoning the meat is what's going to keep it from tasting like mushy sadness, so by all means, go nuts.

Drain the beef of all the fatty juices and spread it out on the bottom of a casserole dish. I honestly had no idea shepherd's pie was technically a casserole, although now that I know I can cook a casserole, I feel old. Anyway, layer the corn on top of your beef and you're done with steps one and two.

Peel, dice and boil 12 potatoes in a large pot. And I mean LARGE. Believe me, I made the mistake of throwing a shitload of potatoes into a pot that was obviously not big enough for a shitload of potatoes. It didn't really go well. But whatever, because once the potatoes are boiled, grab a potatoe masher and mash them up with some milk and butter until they're rich and fluffy. Layer it on top of it all, then bake it at 400 degrees Farenheit for half an hour.

Almond&M&M Cookies
(Adapted from Beantown Baker)

• 2 cups of Flour
• 1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
• 1/2 cup of Butter
• 3/4 cup of Brown Sugar
• 1/2 cup of Sugar
• 1 tsp of Vanilla
• 2 Eggs
• 1 cups of M&Ms
• 1 cup of Almonds

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a small bowl, stir together the flour and the baking soda, then set it aside. Cream together the butter, brown sugar, white sugar and vanilla until well blended. You'll know because you can hear Paula Deen orgasm in the distance. Bitch loves her butter. Add the eggs and beat well.

Next, gradually mix in the flour until you have a nice little dough going on, then mix in the M&Ms and almonds. Roll them out into little balls and bake them for 11 minutes. I think it made something like 3 dozen or so...Give or take. I wasn't really counting.

Doubled Down

I have to say, out of all the recipes I've ever put on the blog, this is by far the only one I've had serious moral hang-ups over. Sure, the McNuggetini was bad, but it never made me quit an entire food group, did it? Well, that's what the Homemade KFC Double Down will do: It will make you quit meat altogether. It's good, but once you have a sandwich with meat-as-bread, there's really no way you can go but down, can you?

Homemade KFC Double Down

• Chicken Breast Cutlets
• Buttermilk
  
• Flour
• Oregano
• Canola Oil
  
• Applewood smoked bacon
• Monterey Jack Cheese
• Ketchup
• Dijon Mustard
• Mayonnaise
• Garlic
• Tabasco

Sorry there's no real measurements; I pretty much just winged the whole thing. Soak the chicken in the buttermilk for about an hour, then dredge it in the flour and oregano until it's thoroughly coated. When it's done, fry it in the oil until it's crispy, brown and cooked through.
When that's done, cook the bacon until it's crispy too, then break it in half and place it on the bottom slice of chicken, covering it with the Monterey Jack Cheese. For the sauce, mix the ketchup, mustard, mayo, garlic and tabasco until you get a sauce that suits your fancy. Or at the very least, doesn't taste like something you can get at the actual KFC. Because, really...Just, no. Anyway, slather some on the other slice of chicken, put it all together into a sandwich, and bake it for a couple minutes until the cheese is all melty. Enjoy your affront against God.

Cookies 'N Cream

Did you know that I once witnessed two 20-something-year-old men beat the ever loving shit out of each other over the correct way to eat an Oreo? True story (...Not really). That is how much people love Oreos. And they go great with everything. There is nothing that will not work with an Oreo. They're the perfect cookie when it comes down to it, so I decided to make this week's a post an Oreo-themed one.

Oreo Cheesecake

• 24 oz. of Cream Cheese
• 1 48-pack of Oreos
• 1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream
• 1 Cup of Sugar
• 2 Tablespoons of Butter

Start off by crushing about half of the Oreos in a food processor and adding the butter. When it's become a sticky, chocolatey mess, press it into the bottom of a 10-inch springform pan. Place it in the freezer to harden.

Next, in a bowl on the side, whip your whipping cream (duh) until it stiffens to typical consistency, then add the sugar and whip some more. Next, cream your creamed cheese (once again, duh) until it's light and fluffy, then fold your whipped cream into the cream cheese. When those are incorporated, fold in the remaining half of your oreos, crushed and chopped up, and when it's all mixed together, pour it into the pan and allow it to refrigerate over night.

Cookies 'N Cream Cupcakes

• 28 Oreos
• 1 Stick of Butter
• 1 Cup of Sugar
• 2 Eggs
• 1 tsp. of Vanilla
• 1 1/2 Cups of Flour
• 1/2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. of baking powder
• 1/2 Cup of milk

Start off by twisting off 18 of the Oreos and lining 18 cupcake liners with one cookie shell each. Save the other halves of the Oreos on the side for garnish. If you can, use the one with the icing on it. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, eggs and vanilla together. In a separate bowl, mix your dry ingredients together and then add the dry mix gradually, alternating with the milk. When it's all mixed, crush up your remaining ten cookies and fold them into the batter. Afterwards, pour it into the liners and bake at 350 degrees for about 25-30 minutes until a fork comes out clean. It's supposed to make 12, but I ended up making 18, which means I'm either doing something wrong or something right.

To frost them, I used the Magnolia Bakery frosting recipe from a couple weeks back.

White Russian

• 2 oz. Vodka
• 1 oz. Kahlua
• Light Cream

Hey, what goes better with Oreos then milk? Especially if it's jacked up with booze. Pour it all into an old fashioned with ice, top it off with the light cream and and stir together well.

Hey Look, More Cupcakes

Yes, this is the third post in a row that features cupcakes. But you know what? Fuck it, everyone loves cupcakes. Did you know that cupcakes are officially a dietary staple of Manhattan? Yup, right up there with coffee, overpriced food from restaurants that you will never get into, and crystal meth. In all honesty, I've just always had a fondness for cupcakes. Sure, they're nowhere near as big as cupcakes, but they're small and spunky and their size to ass-kicking ratio is pretty damn spot on.

Vegan Rootbeer Float Cupcakes
(Via BitterSweet)

• 1 Cup of Rootbeer
• 1 tsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar
• 3/4 Cup of Sugar
• 1/3 Cup of Canola Oil
• 1/2 tsp. of vanilla
• 2 tsp. of Rootbeer extract (you can get it online or at Walmart)
• 1 1/3 Cup of Flour
• 3/4 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. of baking powder

Start off by mixing together the Rootbeer and the vinegar, then letting it stand for a couple minutes. Whisk in the sugar and oil, then integrate the extracts. Mix together the flour, baking soda and powder and then add it gradually into the wet ingredients. Mix it all together until it forms a batter, then pour it into paper liners and bake it at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes until a toothpick or a fork comes out clean. Once they're cooled, top it off with a small scoop of vegan vanilla ice cream and a cherry.

Maple Bacon Cupcakes
(via Vanilla Garlic)

• 1 stick of butter, plus a half tablespoon
• 1/2 a Tbsp. of solidified bacon fat
• 1 Egg
• 1/4 Cup + a Tbsp. of Brown Sugar
• 1/4 Cup of Maple Syrup
• 1 1/4 Cup of Flour
• 1 tsp. of baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. of baking powder
• 1/4 Cup of Milk
• 1/4 of minced bacond, cooked and drained (approx. 5 slices)
• Half a stick of Butter
• 2 Tbsp. of Maple Syrup
• 1 Cup of Powdered sugar
  

Cook at least five thick strips of bacon in a skillet, saving the bacon grease and putting it into the fridge or freezer to solidify. While waiting, mince the bacon, saving 1/4 Cup for the cakes, eating whatever excess is left. Go ahead; you deserve it.
Once your fat has solidified, mix half a tablespoon with the butter until fluffy, then beat in your brown sugar and maple syrup. At the risk of sounding like Ina Garten, make sure you use GOOD syrup, not that fake American shit. Real syrup is thin as water and comes in a can. Accept no substitutes on this one. Also, be very careful about measuring your syrup; this stuff is extremely testy in baking, and fucking it up can ruin a batter. No pressure though. Anyway, when the syrup and sugar is mixed in, mix in your egg.

Now, sift together your flour, baking soda and powder (AGAIN) then incorporate it into the batter, alternating between the flour and the milk and finishing with the flour. Finally, add your minced bacon, fold it in, then pour it into paper cupcake liners and bake at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes, or until the toothpick comes out clean. To frost them, just mix together half a stick of butter with the syrup and sugar, and once they're cool, frost those bitches up.

I Want Sprinkles

So this marks the second (SECOND!) week in a row that I've made cupcakes, so to commemorate this, I thought it would be cool to pay homage to the cupcake queen, Amy Sedaris, by recreating her "cover myself in frosting and sprinkles" picture. For the sake of a reference, that's Amy's version on the right over there. See how pretty and well put together it is? Well, if you want to see mine, it's at the end of the post, so it looks like you'll have to do some learnin'.

Yeah, I know, what a shame.

Anyway, quick backstory: My cousin was sick and a friend was coming down so they wanted dinner. Being the good little gay I was, I made some chicken in mushroom gravy with some KGB Cupcakes. And here's how you can do it.




Chicken In Creamy Mushroom Gravy
(From Epicurious)

• 1/3 C. of Flour
• 1 1/2 tsp. of Thyme
• 1/2 tsp. of Allspice
• 4 Large skinless, boneless chicken breasts.
• 1/2 stick of Butter
• 1 lb. of sliced mushrooms
• 1 small chopped Onion
• 1 C. of whipping cream
• 1 C. of Chicken Stock

Start off by mixing together in a small bowl the flour, the thyme and the allspice. Use only as much as you need to coat your chicken breasts. When they're coated, melt the butter in a large skillet over medium high heat and fry the chicken until it's cooked through and through.

Next slice your mushrooms, chop your onion and sautee it in the same pan you fried your chicken in until they've browned. Add the cream and broth and bring it to a boil for about a minute, then add the chicken back in. Reduce to medium-low, let it simmer, and add the remaining flour mixture until the gravy has a thickness suited to your tastes.

KGB Cupcakes
(Recipes from HTEAC and Dulcedo)

• 1 1/2 sticks of room-temperature Butter
• 1/2 C. of Cocoa Powder
• 1 1/2 C. of Sugar
• 1 Tbl. of Vanilla
• 3 large room-temperature eggs, separated
• 1/2 C. of cold water
• 1/2 C. Kahlua
• 2 1/4 C. of flour
• 3 Tsp. of Baking Soda
• 4 C. of Icing Sugar
• 3 1/2 Tbl. of Bailey's
• 1 stick of Butter

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit and preparing 24 cupcake liners. With an electric mixer, cream the butter, cocoa sugar and vanilla together until smooth. Separate the eggs and mix the yolks in with the batter until creamy while saving the egg whites on the side..

In a small bowl to the side, mix the water and Kahlua together, and in another side bowl, mix the flour and baking soda together. Alternately mix in the kahlua mixture and the flour mixture until both are fully incorporated into the batter. Now, getting back to those eggs whites; beat them hard until they form a stiff meringue (they'll form little peaks when it's been accomplished), then fold the meringue into the batter. Pour into the cups and bake for 25 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean.

For the frosting, it's just a matter of mixing the Bailey's, icing sugar and butter until it forms the thick frosting. Frost your cupcakes and to add the G to the KGB cupcakes, pour a couple drops on top of the frosted cupcakes. Not enough to make them soggy, but just enough to get a bit of the taste in there.

And finally, because I said I would...
Believe me, as hot as turning yourself into a human cupcake sounds, it doesn't quite compare to the realization that you have sprinkles in your crack. Ugh.

Hospitality Under The Influence

Who's your favourite celebrity chef? Giada De Laurentiis? Paula Dean? Brian Boitano? Well, if you answered anyone but Amy Sedaris, please hang your head in shame right now (Also, if you said Guy Fieri, please go stand in front of on-coming traffic.) Amy Sedaris is fucking awesome as shit, and her cook book has some awesome fucking recipes. You know who actually contributed a recipe to her book? STEPHEN FUCKING COLBERT. She is just that fucking radsauce. Anyway, I baked her totally tasty vanilla cupcakes and whipped up some Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting to go on top. How's that for deliciousness?

Tattletail's Vanilla Cupcakes
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)

• 1 1/2 sticks of Unsalted Butter
• 1 1/2 C. of Sugar
• 2 Eggs
• 2 tsp. of Vanilla
• 2 1/2 tsp. of Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp. of salt (I left this out)
• 2 1/2 C. of Flour
• 1 1/4 C. of Milk

Start off by pre-heating the oven to 375 degrees, cream the butter, and once it's all smooth and rich, add the sugar and beat that bitch until they're incorporated. Add your two eggs and beat well until it's a smooth little mess. Now add the vanilla, baking powder, salt (although I omitted that because salt is gross), flour and milk and beat that all together until it's light and fluffy and it looks like an actual, factual batter.
Once you've got yourself a tasty batter, line a muffin pan with those little paper cup things and scoop batter into them, filling them all about 2/3 of the way full. Bake them for 20 minutes, and check them by jabbing a fork into them until it comes out completely clean. It should produce two dozen, but I got 23, so obviously, I fucked up somewhere down the line.

Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting

• 2 sticks of Butter
• 8 C. of Confectioner's Sugar
• 1/2 C. of Milk
• 2 tsp. of Vanilla

Easy really. Throw the butter, milk, vanilla and half of the sugar into a bowl and mix it up, then add the remaining sugar one cup at a time. You can add a couple drops of food colouring to pretty it up, but that's up to you. Once the cakes have cooled, frost your delicious cupcakes. All done!

...Hey, I said these things were good, I never said they were necessarily hard or anything.

Break Up Bake Up

I eat my feelings. If this surprises you, then you should probably know right now: Bruce Willis was a ghost, Rosebud was Charles Foster Kane's sled, and Tyler Durden was actually a figment of Edward Norton's imagination. You're welcome.

But yes, I eat my feelings. A lot. Actually, I'll eat just about anything, but I hold a special place for binge-eating when I'm having what my mother refers to as "A Lifetime Movie Moment." She usually succeeds this by asking when my period is and whether or not I want to go halfsies on a box of tampons. My point is, shoveling massive amounts of food in your system when you feel like crap is both effective and therapeutic, and if you're not doing it, then what the fucking fuck is wrong with your narrow ass?

Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 1 3/4 C. of Flour
• 1/4 tsp. of Baking Soda
• 1 C. of Butter
• 1 C. of Sugar
• 1/2 C. of packed Brown Sugar
• 1 tsp. Vanilla
• 1/3 C. of Cocoa Powder
• 2 Tbl. of Milk
• 2 C. of White Chocolate Chips
• 1 Bottle of Vodka; Your Choice
  

Start off by putting the bottle of vodka in the freezer. Then, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cry for five minutes, then check the oven. It won't be ready yet, but now is an excellent time to crack open that vodka, isn't it? Go ahead, I won't judge you.

Whisk together the flour and the baking soda. Set it aside, then take another swig from your bottle. Don't bother with a glass, just swig it for about three beats. You'll be fine. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla until it's nice and incorporated. Rifle through your fridge for something to mix the vodka with to keep things fresh and exciting.

When that's done, mix in the cocoa powder and the milk until it's thick, smooth and dark. Put a hand against the fridge to balance yourself while the room is spinning. Fold in the flour mixture, and then throw in the chocolate chips. Look at your now empty bottle, wonder where your vodka went off too, then throw on a bathrobe and walk down the street to pick up some more vodka...On second thought, get some Tequila instead. Tequila sounds nice right now.

Stumble into the kitchen and roll the dough into little balls the size of golf balls...maybe a little smaller. I'd say eyeball it, but at this point your vision is blurred and you can't quite tell what's actual cookie and what's double vision. Pop the cookies in the oven for 12 minutes, and make sure you don't inadvertently fall asleep, or else you will die in a fire. Then how will you eat your cookies? Exactly. Take the cookies out of the oven (You might want to throw some oven mitts on beforehand, lest you forget), let them stand for 5 minutes, then cool them on a wire rack. Cram about five into your mouth while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, fall asleep on the couch and knock over the bottle, spilling tequila all over your carpet.

Makes about three dozen.