Sunday, September 27, 2009

Comfort Food

What a crazy fucking week it's been. After getting back from a show in Toronto, it appears the only souvenir I brought back with me was a cold. To make matters worse, my just-friend happened to step on a broken glass when we were at work at Campus, resulting in 9 stitches on his two smallest toes. Not fun.

Therefore, this week's theme is comfort food. Sometimes you just need a little something-something to get you over a particularly nasty little spell of sickness or ennui. So here it is: A three course meal of food, drink and dessert. Get some.

Double Double Cheese Cheese Grilled Cheese Sandwich
  • 3 Slices of Rye Bread
  • 2 Slices of American Cheese
  • Some Slices of A Good Old Cheddar
  • 3 Tablespoons of Butter
  • 4 Tablespoons of Bacon Bits
Start off by spreading a tablespoon of butter on each slice of rye bread. Throw a slice of bread in a pan over medium heat, then add the American cheese and half the bacon bits and adding another slice of rye bread on top, allowing it to cook until the cheese has melted. When sufficiently melty, flip it, and throw the cheddar cheese and the other half of bacon bits on top, sealing the deal with the last slice of rye. When the bottom slice of bread starts to smoke a little, flip the whole thing over VERY CAREFULLY and cook until the cheddar has also melted. Believe me on the careful part. If need be, you can use some barbecue tongs, though I find a spatula, a little TLC, and a few F-Bombs should get you through it.

Sweetie Sweet Tea
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)
  • 4 Tea Bags
  • 4 Cups of Boiling Water
  • 1 Cup of Sugar
  • Cold Water
  • A Fuck Load of Ice
Start off by boiling the water in whatever you have on hand, then once it becomes hot enough to deal some permanent damage, throw in the bags of tea and let it steep for about five minutes. Once that's done, pull them out and add a cup of sugar, allowing it to dissolve in the tea. Pour it all into a jug or a pitcher or what the fuckedy fuck ever and pour cold water until it's full.

Peanut Butter Cups
  • 14 oz of chocolate, whichever kind you prefer
  • 3 Tablespoons of butter
  • 3/4 Cups of Peanut Butter
  • 3/4 Cups of Confectioner's Sugar
In a double boiler, melt the chocolate with one tablespoon of your butter until it turns into a warm, gooey soup of deliciousness. Brush the chocolate into 12 paper cupcake cups then throw them in the freezer until they harden. While those are chillin' like villains, mix together the peanut butter, sugar and remaining butter until well mashed together. Once the shells have hardened, scoop a bit of the peanut butter mixture into each of the cups, then cover it with the remaining chocolate. Throw them in the freezer until hard, then take them out and keep them refrigerated.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Heartbreak Cake

As mentioned before, baking serves as a way for me to work my way through the heartache. And of course, the opportunity presented itself this week. It was the kind of sadness that just BEGS for you to fill the void with cupcakes.

But here's the thing about baking: No matter how bad it hurts, all you have to do is pour all the sadness and all the hurt into your cupcakes, then just cover it up with sweet, sugary icing and when you're ready, they can be the tastiest little cupcakes in the world.

Red Velvet Heartbreak Cupcakes
(Adapted from The Beantown Baker)
  • 2 1/2 Cups of Flour
  • 1 1/2 Cups of Sugar
  • 1 Teaspoon of Baking Soda
  • 1 Tablespoon of Cocoa Powder
  • 2 Eggs
  • 1 1/2 Cups of Vegetable Oil
  • 1 Cup of Buttermilk
  • 2 Tablespoons of Red Food Colouring
  • 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
  • 1 Cup of Sadness
Start off by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then sifting together the flour, sugar, baking soda and cocoa powder. I'm not really sure what the point of sifting is, since I usually don't get too many lumps of flour or cocoa powder, but if you wanna sift, thereby adding to huge friggin' pile of dishes you have to do ever, be my guest. Honestly, a good whisk does the trick for me.

Next up, whisk together your eggs, oil, buttermilk, colouring and vanilla. Now, for those who use the little droplet things of colouring, I fin that three of the little vials do the job. So just squeeze them dry and mix it up. When incorporated, add it to the dry ingredients and whisk until smooth. Feel free to add a cup of sadness if you happen to have some on hand.

When you're finished, pour them evenly into paper liners/greased and floured muffin tin and bake for about half an hour, or until you can stick a toothpick through the center and have it come out clean.
Brown Sugar Cream Cheese Frosting of Self-Delusion
(adapted from Joy the Baker, via Beantown Baker)
  • 1 1/2 Sticks of Butter
  • 4 oz. of Cream Cheese
  • 1/4 Cup of Brown Sugar
  • 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
  • 2-3 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1-2 tablespoons milk
  • 2 Teaspoons of false happiness.
Like my cream cheese icing from a previous post, this just works so well with the given material. Simply cream together the cheese and butter at room temperature, then just add the rest of the ingredients, adding extra sugar or milk for smoothness as you see fit.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Homemade Basketti Sauce For The Win

Sorry for the late update on this one. For various reasons, I've been a little busy this week, which has put a severe dent in the amount of time spent in my kitchen. Thankfully, I managed to do not one, but TWO recipes for you this week, because I fucking love you all.

Bread Pudding
  • One Loaf of French Bread
  • 4 Cups of Milk
  • 2 Cups of Sugar
  • 3 Eggs
  • 2 Tablespoons of Vanilla
  • 1 Teaspoon of Cinnamon
Start off by cutting up your loaf of french bread into 1 inch cubes. Make sure you get a big baguette instead of one of those little rinky-dink ones, because it's gonna need to absorb all of the other ingredients. Once you've cubed your bread, soak it in the milk until you've got what can only be described as bread soup.

In a separate bowl, mix together the eggs, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon into a sweet, sweet sugary goo. For your own sake, try not to eat it. It's gonna be tough, because this stuff is alarmingly good . Anyways, mix it all up together, then pour it into a greased baking pan. Anyone should do, really. Bake it at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, or until it has become golden brown and the sides start to curl in a little. Your gonna be waiting a while, so in the meantime, why don't you eat a delicious baguette? Mmmmmm...
Spaghetti Sauce
  • A Medium Can of Tomato Sauce
  • A Small Can of Tomato Paste
  • Half a Large Can of Diced Tomatos
  • A Chopped Onion
  • 1 1/2 Pounds of Ground Beef
  • 4 Large Italian Sausages
  • Rosemary
  • Oregano
  • Thyme
  • Pepper
To be honest with you, I never made Spaghetti Sauce before. So as you can see, I more or less completely fucking winged this bitch. Word.

Start off by frying (or Barbecuing, depending on your mood) the italian sausages until the insides are cooked, and will no longer give you salmonella. While those are frying up, brown the beef in a bit of oil in a large pot, adding some Rosemary, Oregano, Thyme and Pepper to taste. Feel free to add as much as you want, depending on your taste.

Once the sausages are cooked, cut them up along with a large onion. Add them into the pot, along with the tomato sauce, tomato paste, and diced tomatoes. Simmer it for a while in order to make sure it's hot and spicy, then serve it with your choice of pasta, or if you're so inclined, eat it by itself. Honestly, this shit is thick as hell, and can serve a small army. Such is the power of a thick, meaty sausage.
As you can see, this week's theme is "Food that looks like cocks".