Monday, March 22, 2010

I Want Sprinkles

So this marks the second (SECOND!) week in a row that I've made cupcakes, so to commemorate this, I thought it would be cool to pay homage to the cupcake queen, Amy Sedaris, by recreating her "cover myself in frosting and sprinkles" picture. For the sake of a reference, that's Amy's version on the right over there. See how pretty and well put together it is? Well, if you want to see mine, it's at the end of the post, so it looks like you'll have to do some learnin'.

Yeah, I know, what a shame.

Anyway, quick backstory: My cousin was sick and a friend was coming down so they wanted dinner. Being the good little gay I was, I made some chicken in mushroom gravy with some KGB Cupcakes. And here's how you can do it.

Chicken In Creamy Mushroom Gravy

(From Epicurious)
  • 1/3 C. of Flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp. of Thyme
  • 1/2 tsp. of Allspice
  • 4 Large skinless, boneless chicken breasts.
  • 1/2 stick of Butter
  • 1 lb. of sliced mushrooms
  • 1 small chopped Onion
  • 1 C. of whipping cream
  • 1 C. of Chicken Stock
Start off by mixing together in a small bowl the flour, the thyme and the allspice. Use only as much as you need to coat your chicken breasts. When they're coated, melt the butter in a large skillet over medium high heat and fry the chicken until it's cooked through and through.

Next slice your mushrooms, chop your onion and sautee it in the same pan you fried your chicken in until they've browned. Add the cream and broth and bring it to a boil for about a minute, then add the chicken back in. Reduce to medium-low, let it simmer, and add the remaining flour mixture until the gravy has a thickness suited to your tastes.

KGB Cupcakes
(Recipes from HTEAC and Dulcedo)
  • 1 1/2 sticks of room-temperature Butter
  • 1/2 C. of Cocoa Powder
  • 1 1/2 C. of Sugar
  • 1 Tbl. of Vanilla
  • 3 large room-temperature eggs, separated
  • 1/2 C. of cold water
  • 1/2 C. Kahlua
  • 2 1/4 C. of flour
  • 3 Tsp. of Baking Soda
  • 4 C. of Icing Sugar
  • 3 1/2 Tbl. of Bailey's
  • 1 stick of Butter
Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit and preparing 24 cupcake liners. With an electric mixer, cream the butter, cocoa sugar and vanilla together until smooth. Separate the eggs and mix the yolks in with the batter until creamy while saving the egg whites on the side..

In a small bowl to the side, mix the water and Kahlua together, and in another side bowl, mix the flour and baking soda together. Alternately mix in the kahlua mixture and the flour mixture until both are fully incorporated into the batter. Now, getting back to those eggs whites; beat them hard until they form a stiff meringue (they'll form little peaks when it's been accomplished), then fold the meringue into the batter. Pour into the cups and bake for 25 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean.

For the frosting, it's just a matter of mixing the Bailey's, icing sugar and butter until it forms the thick frosting. Frost your cupcakes and to add the G to the KGB cupcakes, pour a couple drops on top of the frosted cupcakes. Not enough to make them soggy, but just enough to get a bit of the taste in there.

And finally, because I said I would...
Believe me, as hot as turning yourself into a human cupcake sounds, it doesn't quite compare to the realization that you have sprinkles in your crack. Ugh.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Hospitality Under The Influence

Who's your favourite celebrity chef? Giada De Laurentiis? Paula Dean? Brian Boitano? Well, if you answered anyone but Amy Sedaris, please hang your head in shame right now (Also, if you said Guy Fieri, please go stand in front of on-coming traffic.) Amy Sedaris is fucking awesome as shit, and her cook book has some awesome fucking recipes. You know who actually contributed a recipe to her book? STEPHEN FUCKING COLBERT. She is just that fucking radsauce. Anyway, I baked her totally tasty vanilla cupcakes and whipped up some Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting to go on top. How's that for deliciousness?

Tattletail's Vanilla Cupcakes
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)
  • 1 1/2 sticks of Unsalted Butter
  • 1 1/2 C. of Sugar
  • 2 Eggs
  • 2 tsp. of Vanilla
  • 2 1/2 tsp. of Baking Powder
  • 1/4 tsp. of salt (I left this out)
  • 2 1/2 C. of Flour
  • 1 1/4 C. of Milk
Start off by pre-heating the oven to 375 degrees, cream the butter, and once it's all smooth and rich, add the sugar and beat that bitch until they're incorporated. Add your two eggs and beat well until it's a smooth little mess. Now add the vanilla, baking powder, salt (although I omitted that because salt is gross), flour and milk and beat that all together until it's light and fluffy and it looks like an actual, factual batter.
Once you've got yourself a tasty batter, line a muffin pan with those little paper cup things and scoop batter into them, filling them all about 2/3 of the way full. Bake them for 20 minutes, and check them by jabbing a fork into them until it comes out completely clean. It should produce two dozen, but I got 23, so obviously, I fucked up somewhere down the line.

Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting
  • 2 sticks of Butter
  • 8 C. of Confectioner's Sugar
  • 1/2 C. of Milk
  • 2 tsp. of Vanilla
Easy really. Throw the butter, milk, vanilla and half of the sugar into a bowl and mix it up, then add the remaining sugar one cup at a time. You can add a couple drops of food colouring to pretty it up, but that's up to you. Once the cakes have cooled, frost your delicious cupcakes. All done!

...Hey, I said these things were good, I never said they were necessarily hard or anything.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Break Up Bake Up

I eat my feelings. If this surprises you, then you should probably know right now: Bruce Willis was a ghost, Rosebud was Charles Foster Kane's sled, and Tyler Durden was actually a figment of Edward Norton's imagination. You're welcome.

But yes, I eat my feelings. A lot. Actually, I'll eat just about anything, but I hold a special place for binge-eating when I'm having what my mother refers to as "A Lifetime Movie Moment." She usually succeeds this by asking when my period is and whether or not I want to go halfsies on a box of tampons. My point is, shoveling massive amounts of food in your system when you feel like crap is both effective and therapeutic, and if you're not doing it, then what the fucking fuck is wrong with your narrow ass?

Double Chocolate Chip Cookies
  • 1 3/4 C. of Flour
  • 1/4 tsp. of Baking Soda
  • 1 C. of Butter
  • 1 C. of Sugar
  • 1/2 C. of packed Brown Sugar
  • 1 tsp. Vanilla
  • 1/3 C. of Cocoa Powder
  • 2 Tbl. of Milk
  • 2 C. of White Chocolate Chips
  • 1 Bottle of Vodka; Your Choice
Start off by putting the bottle of vodka in the freezer. Then, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cry for five minutes, then check the oven. It won't be ready yet, but now is an excellent time to crack open that vodka, isn't it? Go ahead, I won't judge you.

Whisk together the flour and the baking soda. Set it aside, then take another swig from your bottle. Don't bother with a glass, just swig it for about three beats. You'll be fine. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla until it's nice and incorporated. Rifle through your fridge for something to mix the vodka with to keep things fresh and exciting.

When that's done, mix in the cocoa powder and the milk until it's thick, smooth and dark. Put a hand against the fridge to balance yourself while the room is spinning. Fold in the flour mixture, and then throw in the chocolate chips. Look at your now empty bottle, wonder where your vodka went off too, then throw on a bathrobe and walk down the street to pick up some more vodka...On second thought, get some Tequila instead. Tequila sounds nice right now.

Stumble into the kitchen and roll the dough into little balls the size of golf balls...maybe a little smaller. I'd say eyeball it, but at this point your vision is blurred and you can't quite tell what's actual cookie and what's double vision. Pop the cookies in the oven for 12 minutes, and make sure you don't inadvertently fall asleep, or else you will die in a fire. Then how will you eat your cookies? Exactly. Take the cookies out of the oven (You might want to throw some oven mitts on beforehand, lest you forget), let them stand for 5 minutes, then cool them on a wire rack. Cram about five into your mouth while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, fall asleep on the couch and knock over the bottle, spilling tequila all over your carpet.

Makes about three dozen.