Pornstar In The Kitchen

I'm A Terrible Food Blogger

2010-06-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I haven't updated this thing in a month. But I have a very valid excuse! At least, it seems very valid to me. Long story short, I've been in and out of the hospital for the past month, I couldn't keep solid food down for about two straight weeks, and since I wasn't working, I couldn't afford to buy ingredients. It's been a rough month.

But that's okay, because I am back to relatively normal! And I even got linked to by both Queerclick and Fleshbot in the same day, which made me do one of these:

Awesomeness.

Anyway, as thanks for the linkage, and because I now feel really guilty for not updating enough, here are a couple new recipes!

Shepherd's Pie

1 1/2 - 2 lbs. of Ground Chuck Beef
One large Onion
Oregano
Basil
Paprika
Soy Sauce
Tabasco
1-2 cans of Corn
Butter
Milk
About 12 Potatoes

This is one of those very special recipes that I completely pulled out of my ass. I went into this knowing that Shepherd's pie needed three things: Meat, Potatoes and corn (or peas and carrots. But I was raised on corn, so everyone else can suck it.) Aside from that, I was flying blind.

Start off by browning your beef in a medium-sized pot, with your onions. Add as much soy sauce, tabasco, spices and so on as you wish in order to season the meat. Honestly, seasoning the meat is what's going to keep it from tasting like mushy sadness, so by all means, go nuts.

Drain the beef of all the fatty juices and spread it out on the bottom of a casserole dish. I honestly had no idea shepherd's pie was technically a casserole, although now that I know I can cook a casserole, I feel old. Anyway, layer the corn on top of your beef and you're done with steps one and two.

Peel, dice and boil 12 potatoes in a large pot. And I mean LARGE. Believe me, I made the mistake of throwing a shitload of potatoes into a pot that was obviously not big enough for a shitload of potatoes. It didn't really go well. But whatever, because once the potatoes are boiled, grab a potatoe masher and mash them up with some milk and butter until they're rich and fluffy. Layer it on top of it all, then bake it at 400 degrees Farenheit for half an hour.

Almond&M&M Cookies
(Adapted from Beantown Baker)

2 cups of Flour
1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
1/2 cup of Butter
3/4 cup of Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Sugar
1 tsp of Vanilla
2 Eggs
1 cups of M&Ms
1 cup of Almonds

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a small bowl, stir together the flour and the baking soda, then set it aside. Cream together the butter, brown sugar, white sugar and vanilla until well blended. You'll know because you can hear Paula Deen orgasm in the distance. Bitch loves her butter. Add the eggs and beat well.

Next, gradually mix in the flour until you have a nice little dough going on, then mix in the M&Ms and almonds. Roll them out into little balls and bake them for 11 minutes. I think it made something like 3 dozen or so...Give or take. I wasn't really counting.

Doubled Down

2010-05-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have to say, out of all the recipes I've ever put on the blog, this is by far the only one I've had serious moral hang-ups over. Sure, the McNuggetini was bad, but it never made me quit an entire food group, did it? Well, that's what the Homemade KFC Double Down will do: It will make you quit meat altogether. It's good, but once you have a sandwich with meat-as-bread, there's really no way you can go but down, can you?

Homemade KFC Double Down

Chicken Breast Cutlets
Buttermilk
Flour
Oregano
Canola Oil
Applewood smoked bacon
Monterey Jack Cheese
Ketchup
Dijon Mustard
Mayonnaise
Garlic
Tabasco

Sorry there's no real measurements; I pretty much just winged the whole thing. Soak the chicken in the buttermilk for about an hour, then dredge it in the flour and oregano until it's thoroughly coated. When it's done, fry it in the oil until it's crispy, brown and cooked through.
When that's done, cook the bacon until it's crispy too, then break it in half and place it on the bottom slice of chicken, covering it with the Monterey Jack Cheese. For the sauce, mix the ketchup, mustard, mayo, garlic and tabasco until you get a sauce that suits your fancy. Or at the very least, doesn't taste like something you can get at the actual KFC. Because, really...Just, no. Anyway, slather some on the other slice of chicken, put it all together into a sandwich, and bake it for a couple minutes until the cheese is all melty. Enjoy your affront against God.

Cookies 'N Cream

2010-04-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Did you know that I once witnessed two 20-something-year-old men beat the ever loving shit out of each other over the correct way to eat an Oreo? True story (...Not really). That is how much people love Oreos. And they go great with everything. There is nothing that will not work with an Oreo. They're the perfect cookie when it comes down to it, so I decided to make this week's a post an Oreo-themed one.

Oreo Cheesecake

24 oz. of Cream Cheese
1 48-pack of Oreos
1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream
1 Cup of Sugar
2 Tablespoons of Butter

Start off by crushing about half of the Oreos in a food processor and adding the butter. When it's become a sticky, chocolatey mess, press it into the bottom of a 10-inch springform pan. Place it in the freezer to harden.

Next, in a bowl on the side, whip your whipping cream (duh) until it stiffens to typical consistency, then add the sugar and whip some more. Next, cream your creamed cheese (once again, duh) until it's light and fluffy, then fold your whipped cream into the cream cheese. When those are incorporated, fold in the remaining half of your oreos, crushed and chopped up, and when it's all mixed together, pour it into the pan and allow it to refrigerate over night.

Cookies 'N Cream Cupcakes

28 Oreos
1 Stick of Butter
1 Cup of Sugar
2 Eggs
1 tsp. of Vanilla
1 1/2 Cups of Flour
1/2 tsp. of baking soda
1/2 tsp. of baking powder
1/2 Cup of milk

Start off by twisting off 18 of the Oreos and lining 18 cupcake liners with one cookie shell each. Save the other halves of the Oreos on the side for garnish. If you can, use the one with the icing on it. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, eggs and vanilla together. In a separate bowl, mix your dry ingredients together and then add the dry mix gradually, alternating with the milk. When it's all mixed, crush up your remaining ten cookies and fold them into the batter. Afterwards, pour it into the liners and bake at 350 degrees for about 25-30 minutes until a fork comes out clean. It's supposed to make 12, but I ended up making 18, which means I'm either doing something wrong or something right.

To frost them, I used the Magnolia Bakery frosting recipe from a couple weeks back.

White Russian

2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Light Cream

Hey, what goes better with Oreos then milk? Especially if it's jacked up with booze. Pour it all into an old fashioned with ice, top it off with the light cream and and stir together well.

Hey Look, More Cupcakes

2010-04-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is the third post in a row that features cupcakes. But you know what? Fuck it, everyone loves cupcakes. Did you know that cupcakes are officially a dietary staple of Manhattan? Yup, right up there with coffee, overpriced food from restaurants that you will never get into, and crystal meth. In all honesty, I've just always had a fondness for cupcakes. Sure, they're nowhere near as big as cupcakes, but they're small and spunky and their size to ass-kicking ratio is pretty damn spot on.

Vegan Rootbeer Float Cupcakes
(Via BitterSweet)

1 Cup of Rootbeer
1 tsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar
3/4 Cup of Sugar
1/3 Cup of Canola Oil
1/2 tsp. of vanilla
2 tsp. of Rootbeer extract (you can get it online or at Walmart)
1 1/3 Cup of Flour
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. of baking powder

Start off by mixing together the Rootbeer and the vinegar, then letting it stand for a couple minutes. Whisk in the sugar and oil, then integrate the extracts. Mix together the flour, baking soda and powder and then add it gradually into the wet ingredients. Mix it all together until it forms a batter, then pour it into paper liners and bake it at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes until a toothpick or a fork comes out clean. Once they're cooled, top it off with a small scoop of vegan vanilla ice cream and a cherry.

Maple Bacon Cupcakes
(via Vanilla Garlic)

1 stick of butter, plus a half tablespoon
1/2 a Tbsp. of solidified bacon fat
1 Egg
1/4 Cup + a Tbsp. of Brown Sugar
1/4 Cup of Maple Syrup
1 1/4 Cup of Flour
1 tsp. of baking soda
1/2 tsp. of baking powder
1/4 Cup of Milk
1/4 of minced bacond, cooked and drained (approx. 5 slices)
Half a stick of Butter
2 Tbsp. of Maple Syrup
1 Cup of Powdered sugar

Cook at least five thick strips of bacon in a skillet, saving the bacon grease and putting it into the fridge or freezer to solidify. While waiting, mince the bacon, saving 1/4 Cup for the cakes, eating whatever excess is left. Go ahead; you deserve it.
Once your fat has solidified, mix half a tablespoon with the butter until fluffy, then beat in your brown sugar and maple syrup. At the risk of sounding like Ina Garten, make sure you use GOOD syrup, not that fake American shit. Real syrup is thin as water and comes in a can. Accept no substitutes on this one. Also, be very careful about measuring your syrup; this stuff is extremely testy in baking, and fucking it up can ruin a batter. No pressure though. Anyway, when the syrup and sugar is mixed in, mix in your egg.

Now, sift together your flour, baking soda and powder (AGAIN) then incorporate it into the batter, alternating between the flour and the milk and finishing with the flour. Finally, add your minced bacon, fold it in, then pour it into paper cupcake liners and bake at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes, or until the toothpick comes out clean. To frost them, just mix together half a stick of butter with the syrup and sugar, and once they're cool, frost those bitches up.

I Want Sprinkles

2010-03-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

So this marks the second (SECOND!) week in a row that I've made cupcakes, so to commemorate this, I thought it would be cool to pay homage to the cupcake queen, Amy Sedaris, by recreating her "cover myself in frosting and sprinkles" picture. For the sake of a reference, that's Amy's version on the right over there. See how pretty and well put together it is? Well, if you want to see mine, it's at the end of the post, so it looks like you'll have to do some learnin'.

Yeah, I know, what a shame.

Anyway, quick backstory: My cousin was sick and a friend was coming down so they wanted dinner. Being the good little gay I was, I made some chicken in mushroom gravy with some KGB Cupcakes. And here's how you can do it.

Chicken In Creamy Mushroom Gravy
(From Epicurious)

1/3 C. of Flour
1 1/2 tsp. of Thyme
1/2 tsp. of Allspice
4 Large skinless, boneless chicken breasts.
1/2 stick of Butter
1 lb. of sliced mushrooms
1 small chopped Onion
1 C. of whipping cream
1 C. of Chicken Stock

Start off by mixing together in a small bowl the flour, the thyme and the allspice. Use only as much as you need to coat your chicken breasts. When they're coated, melt the butter in a large skillet over medium high heat and fry the chicken until it's cooked through and through.

Next slice your mushrooms, chop your onion and sautee it in the same pan you fried your chicken in until they've browned. Add the cream and broth and bring it to a boil for about a minute, then add the chicken back in. Reduce to medium-low, let it simmer, and add the remaining flour mixture until the gravy has a thickness suited to your tastes.

KGB Cupcakes
(Recipes from HTEAC and Dulcedo)

1 1/2 sticks of room-temperature Butter
1/2 C. of Cocoa Powder
1 1/2 C. of Sugar
1 Tbl. of Vanilla
3 large room-temperature eggs, separated
1/2 C. of cold water
1/2 C. Kahlua
2 1/4 C. of flour
3 Tsp. of Baking Soda
4 C. of Icing Sugar
3 1/2 Tbl. of Bailey's
1 stick of Butter

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit and preparing 24 cupcake liners. With an electric mixer, cream the butter, cocoa sugar and vanilla together until smooth. Separate the eggs and mix the yolks in with the batter until creamy while saving the egg whites on the side..

In a small bowl to the side, mix the water and Kahlua together, and in another side bowl, mix the flour and baking soda together. Alternately mix in the kahlua mixture and the flour mixture until both are fully incorporated into the batter. Now, getting back to those eggs whites; beat them hard until they form a stiff meringue (they'll form little peaks when it's been accomplished), then fold the meringue into the batter. Pour into the cups and bake for 25 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean.

For the frosting, it's just a matter of mixing the Bailey's, icing sugar and butter until it forms the thick frosting. Frost your cupcakes and to add the G to the KGB cupcakes, pour a couple drops on top of the frosted cupcakes. Not enough to make them soggy, but just enough to get a bit of the taste in there.

And finally, because I said I would...
Believe me, as hot as turning yourself into a human cupcake sounds, it doesn't quite compare to the realization that you have sprinkles in your crack. Ugh.

Hospitality Under The Influence

2010-03-13T18:50:00.001-08:00

Who's your favourite celebrity chef? Giada De Laurentiis? Paula Dean? Brian Boitano? Well, if you answered anyone but Amy Sedaris, please hang your head in shame right now (Also, if you said Guy Fieri, please go stand in front of on-coming traffic.) Amy Sedaris is fucking awesome as shit, and her cook book has some awesome fucking recipes. You know who actually contributed a recipe to her book? STEPHEN FUCKING COLBERT. She is just that fucking radsauce. Anyway, I baked her totally tasty vanilla cupcakes and whipped up some Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting to go on top. How's that for deliciousness?

Tattletail's Vanilla Cupcakes
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)

1 1/2 sticks of Unsalted Butter
1 1/2 C. of Sugar
2 Eggs
2 tsp. of Vanilla
2 1/2 tsp. of Baking Powder
1/4 tsp. of salt (I left this out)
2 1/2 C. of Flour
1 1/4 C. of Milk

Start off by pre-heating the oven to 375 degrees, cream the butter, and once it's all smooth and rich, add the sugar and beat that bitch until they're incorporated. Add your two eggs and beat well until it's a smooth little mess. Now add the vanilla, baking powder, salt (although I omitted that because salt is gross), flour and milk and beat that all together until it's light and fluffy and it looks like an actual, factual batter.
Once you've got yourself a tasty batter, line a muffin pan with those little paper cup things and scoop batter into them, filling them all about 2/3 of the way full. Bake them for 20 minutes, and check them by jabbing a fork into them until it comes out completely clean. It should produce two dozen, but I got 23, so obviously, I fucked up somewhere down the line.

Magnolia Bakery Buttercream Frosting

2 sticks of Butter
8 C. of Confectioner's Sugar
1/2 C. of Milk
2 tsp. of Vanilla

Easy really. Throw the butter, milk, vanilla and half of the sugar into a bowl and mix it up, then add the remaining sugar one cup at a time. You can add a couple drops of food colouring to pretty it up, but that's up to you. Once the cakes have cooled, frost your delicious cupcakes. All done!

...Hey, I said these things were good, I never said they were necessarily hard or anything.

Break Up Bake Up

2010-03-06T14:35:00.001-08:00

I eat my feelings. If this surprises you, then you should probably know right now: Bruce Willis was a ghost, Rosebud was Charles Foster Kane's sled, and Tyler Durden was actually a figment of Edward Norton's imagination. You're welcome.

But yes, I eat my feelings. A lot. Actually, I'll eat just about anything, but I hold a special place for binge-eating when I'm having what my mother refers to as "A Lifetime Movie Moment." She usually succeeds this by asking when my period is and whether or not I want to go halfsies on a box of tampons. My point is, shoveling massive amounts of food in your system when you feel like crap is both effective and therapeutic, and if you're not doing it, then what the fucking fuck is wrong with your narrow ass?

Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 3/4 C. of Flour
1/4 tsp. of Baking Soda
1 C. of Butter
1 C. of Sugar
1/2 C. of packed Brown Sugar
1 tsp. Vanilla
1/3 C. of Cocoa Powder
2 Tbl. of Milk
2 C. of White Chocolate Chips
1 Bottle of Vodka; Your Choice

Start off by putting the bottle of vodka in the freezer. Then, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cry for five minutes, then check the oven. It won't be ready yet, but now is an excellent time to crack open that vodka, isn't it? Go ahead, I won't judge you.

Whisk together the flour and the baking soda. Set it aside, then take another swig from your bottle. Don't bother with a glass, just swig it for about three beats. You'll be fine. Next, cream together the butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla until it's nice and incorporated. Rifle through your fridge for something to mix the vodka with to keep things fresh and exciting.

When that's done, mix in the cocoa powder and the milk until it's thick, smooth and dark. Put a hand against the fridge to balance yourself while the room is spinning. Fold in the flour mixture, and then throw in the chocolate chips. Look at your now empty bottle, wonder where your vodka went off too, then throw on a bathrobe and walk down the street to pick up some more vodka...On second thought, get some Tequila instead. Tequila sounds nice right now.

Stumble into the kitchen and roll the dough into little balls the size of golf balls...maybe a little smaller. I'd say eyeball it, but at this point your vision is blurred and you can't quite tell what's actual cookie and what's double vision. Pop the cookies in the oven for 12 minutes, and make sure you don't inadvertently fall asleep, or else you will die in a fire. Then how will you eat your cookies? Exactly. Take the cookies out of the oven (You might want to throw some oven mitts on beforehand, lest you forget), let them stand for 5 minutes, then cool them on a wire rack. Cram about five into your mouth while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, fall asleep on the couch and knock over the bottle, spilling tequila all over your carpet.

Makes about three dozen.

Happy Joint-Birthday To Me! Pass The GOOD Vanilla

2010-02-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

In case the fact that I have a blog devoted entirely to cooking hasn't tipped you off, I thing have a thing for food. Love it. And by extension, I also love The Food Network (except for guy Fieri. He looks like a date rapist.) One of the shows on TFN, if you've never watched it and if you haven't go die in a fire jerkface, is The Barefoot Contessa, featuring Ina Garten.

Now, Ina's a good chef, and she seems to have a never-ending supply of gays at her disposal for dinner parties (seriously, bitch goes through them the way most people go through tissues), but she has this weird habit of always telling you to use the GOOD ingredients. You know, as opposed to the BAD ingredients. Because I was totally confused, and thought I could use the moldy ingredients with the bugs crawling in it. Anyhoo, Vince Lambert gave me the idea for this recipe, and since my mother and I were having a joint birthday (she's January 31st, I'm February 5th) I decided to make it for our birthday.

Beatty's Chocolate Cake
(courtesy of Ina Garten)

Butter and flour (to grease the pans)
1 3/4 C. of flour
2 C. of Sugar
3/4 C. of Cocoa Powder (Sorry, but I just can't type "GOOD cocoa powder" without wanting to punch myself in the balls)
2 tsp. of baking soda
1 tsp. of baking powder
1 C. Buttermilk
1/2 C. of vegetable oil
2 extra-large, room temperature eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 C. of coffee

Start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then butter and flour two 8-inch cake pans. Personally, I just used one 10-inch pan...At least I think it was 10 inches. I didn't really bother measuring or anything. Point is, butter and flour a pan.

Next whisk the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking powder and baking soda together in a mixer until they're all whisked together. Meanwhile, in another bowl, whisk together the buttermilk, oil, eggs and vanilla until it's all mixed together. Now, just slowly pour the wet mixture in with the dry ones until it's well incorporated. Then, slowly again, mix in the cup of freshly-brewed coffee, making sure to scrape the bottom and sides of the bowl so that you can properly mix the batter. If it looks a little thin to you, don't worry, it's supposed to be that way. Believe me, I freaked out a bit too when I saw it, but it's totally okay because the cake is still going turn out all rich and delicious and not watery.

Anyway, if you're using the two 8-inch pans, bake for 30-40 minutes. However, I was flying blind with the 10-incher, so I just used the fork method; stab it with a fork or a knife or a toothpick or anything else pointy on hand until it comes out of the cake clean. Once done, just let them cool, and depending on how many pans you use, either slice it in half or whatever, then just frost the middle to make yourself a nice little layer cake. There's actually a frosting recipe that came with this, but I was in a rush so I just used the canned stuff, which was still good.

Choco Tacos? Fuck Yeah!

2010-01-29T12:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a fun little tidbit you probably didn't know: We don't actually have ice cream trucks up here in Quebec. Yeah, I know, kind of a bummer really. I think it has something to do with the fact that seven months out of the year are spent in soul-crushing darkness and snow. Anyhoo, in order to remedy this, I made some homemade Choco Tacos, which apparently are something of a big thing down in the states, right? Anyway, the original recipe makes 12, but (A) who the fuck needs 12 very brittle Choco Tacos lying about? And (B) this is a bold-faced lie; I halved the recipe and, even after adding surplus ingredients, only ended up with five. But whatever, here's how to make them.

Choco Tacos (Makes 6 5)
(Courtesy of Serious Eats)
For the crepe shells

1 Egg
1/4 C. sugar
2 Tbl. melted butter
1 1/2 tsp of milk
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/4 C. flour

For the chocolate syrup

1/4 C. cocoa powder
1/2 C. sugar
1/2 C. Water
1/2 tsp. Vanilla

You'll also need some ice cream (Chocolate Chip or Cookie Dough works well) and some cashews.

Start off with the crepes; mix the sugar and the egg together into a sugary, yellow paste, then add the butter milk and vanilla, mixing until incorporated. Finally, add in the flour and whisk until it's all mixed up.

In a warm, lightly oiled skillet over medium heat, pour off the crepes one at a time, tilting the pan to spread out the crepe as thin as you can. Once it looks set (which WILL happen quickly, so stay on your toes) carefully flip it over so that you don't rip it. Because that would be bad.
Here's the fun part: In order to shape the tacos, grab a clean, hardcover book with a dustjacket, maybe around 200-250 pages thick (I used books from Chelsea Handler, Sarah Vowell and Christopher Moore if that gives you an idea) and drape the crepes over the spines of the books. Then, stick your crepe-covered books in the freezer and let them harden for about ten minutes.

While those freeze up, whisk together cocoa powder, sugar and water and boil for one minute (I simply used the frying pan I used for the crepes). Feel free to boil it for a little longer if you want it to be a bit thicker. From there, I just popped it in the fridge to cool it off. Once cooled, just add the vanilla and stir it up.
Once the shells are hard and the sauce is fixed, CAREFULLY brush the inside of the shells with the sauce, and throw them back into the freezer until the sauce hardens up. Once everything has set, start spooning in the ice cream (once again, carefully) into the shells, and once they're all stuffed, put them back in the freezer again to set. Yes, I know, there's a lot of freezing to be done here. Just suck it up.

Anyway, take them out of the freezer again, pour any remaining chocolate syrup on top and sprinkle with nuts. From there, you can either devour them straight out of the gate or store them in a freezer.

How Do You Like Your Eggs In The Morning?

2010-01-19T07:53:00.000-08:00

...Unfertilized! (Hold for Laughter) Today's post is about Breakfast, which, according to Arrested Development, is the most important thing after family. Because simply put, everyone loves breakfast. I've never met a person who doesn't love breakfast, if only because they were probably killed by an angry mob of people who really, really, really like breakfast. It's just that good.

Frittatas

4 Eggs, lightly beaten with a table spoon of milk
Half a chopped onion
1/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese
Basil to taste
Oil to grease a pan

I got this one from the guys over at Jack Manly, and I had to do it because, well, it looked amazing, and I'm a total sucker for onions. Love 'em. Anyway, start off by evenly coating a six inch frying pan and putting it on medium heat. Dice an onion and fry the onions until soft and warm, but not full-on caramelized.

Once that's done, take them off the pan, making sure to keep as much oil as you can on the pan. Pour half the egg mix into the pan, and once set, sprinkle half the cheese, onions and basil over the eggs. Top it all off by pouring the rest of the egg mix over it and sprinkle the remaining cheese, onion and basil over it.

Here's the fun part: in order to fully cook the frittata, you have to put a lid over the top of the pan. I'm not sure what the exact science is, but I'm assuming the steam cooks the top of the egg and the whole thing will rise like a souffle. Just keep peeking until the top looks solid and the frittata looks puffy. Once that's done, just slide it onto a plate. Don't worry if it deflates a bit, that's just what happens when you take it off the heat.

Personally, I loved it. I'm a big omelet person anyway, but I've never been able to flip one without completely tearing it to shit, so this kind of takes the possibility of totally fucking up out of the equation. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe doubling the amount of onions and cheese, since you can't really taste them that much in the eggs.

Brown Sugar Brie

One wheel of brie cheese
1/4 cup of brown sugar
1/4 cup of chopped almonds
1 tablespoon of dijon mustard

This one I got from Mama Feist again, with whom I share a mutual love of all things cheese. Anyway, bit of a simple, albeit not all that accurate recipe. Start off by slicing the brie like you would a bagel. In a bowl, mix together the brown sugar, almonds and mustard into a sort of paste, then spread half of it on the inside of the brie, and the rest on top of the brie, so that it's layered brie-paste-brie-paste.

Place the brie in a ramekin or any other oven-safe bowl that can fit the brie. Bake it on whatever heat you want for however long you want until it's delicious and melty. Honestly, I never got an exact amount either way on this thing, so you're going to have to wing it. All I know is, when it melts, it's good. Serve it with some sliced up french bread.

Me & The Minibar

2010-01-10T20:43:00.000-08:00

You know, I've been running this blog for a while now, and I STILL haven't done a post on the fine art of boozin'. I have seriously dropped the ball on this one, haven't I? Well worry no more, gay porn loving foodies, because I have for you this week three cocktails you can try at home, including the infamous McNuggetini. Read on to see how that ended.

Mama Feist's Cosmopolitans

2 oz. Cranberry Juice
2 oz. Vodka
2 oz. Triple Sec
1 oz. Lime Cordial

As Kate so eloquently put it, "Cosmopolitans are like Christianity. Wonderful in and of themselves, yet embarrassing to admit liking due to ties with obnoxious crazy people." And it's entirely true. Cosmos were the first drink my mother ever taught me how to make, and ever since they've been our go to drink whenever we see each other. Hers especially are a thing of beauty: They're tangy, refreshing, and so loaded with booze that anymore than two will have you flat-out drunk.

Anyway, not much to do to make these. Just pour the juice, vodka, triple sec, and cordial into a shaker with ice, shake vigorously, and then pour into a martini glass. Be careful though, because these things are strong as fuck. My mother is Irish, and believe me when I say the bitch does not fuck around with her booze.

Maple Syrup Cocktail
(Stolen from Steph Auteri at Nerve)

1 1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. pure maple syrup
1/2 oz. fresh lemon juice

I pretty much only took this one because I needed to find the most Canadian cocktail out there, and this seemed fairly Canadian, didn't it? Anyway, pretty simple set up, just pour everything into a shaker with ice, shake shake shake, pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a slice of lemon.

To be honest with you, I wasn't really feeling this one. I followed it to the letter, but it just wasn't very good. For only half an ounce, the lemon juice was overpowering, the bourbon had barely any presence aside from the slight burn of alcohol, and the the maple syrup could barely even be sensed as an aftertaste. Not huge on it. Maybe if you use more maple syrup, it might be okay, but even then, it's just not that great.

The McNuggetini

Watch this video and weep for humanity. Also, try to ignore the fact that it chose the most unfortunate looking screencap of me possible. Just...yeesh.

Cake Wreck'd

2010-01-04T18:16:00.000-08:00

One thing you should know about me: I'm not perfect. I make mistakes almost constantly really. This should be indicative of exactly how well my attempt at baking a Nutella-Swirl Pound Cake (Recipe helpfully supplied by Vince Lambert).

Anyway, here's the thing: I initially took to the recipe because I like Vince and because Nutella happens to be a Canadian dietary staple, outranked only by maple syrup. True story. Anyway, here's how it's supposed to go:

Nutella-Swirl Pound Cake
(Courtesy of Lauren Chattman at Food & Wine)

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
4 large eggs, at room temperature
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
1 1/4 cups sugar
One 13-ounce jar Nutella

Start off by preheating the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit and greasing and flouring a 5x9" loaf pan, shaking off any of the excess flour. Whisk together the eggs and the vanilla in a glass measuring cup (why that is, I'll never know), and in another one, whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt.

Push those off to the side for now, and with your totally kickass standing mixer, cream together the butter and the sugar together until delicious and fluffy. Mix in the eggs mixture, then add the flour mixture in thirds, beating thoroughly.

Now, to form the actual cake: Layer one-third of the batter into the cake pan, and follow it up by spreading half the Nutella on top. If this sounds, it's because it is. For those of you unclear as to the schematics, imagine trying to spread peanut butter on top of a piece of soggy bread.And the bread is in a four inch deep dish. Good luck with that. Anyway, just do it slowly and deliberately until it's all spread out.

Now, here's where I fucked up: The recipe says that you bake the cake for an hour and fifteen minutes. Obviously whoever came up with this number is a lying liar who tells lie, because that is NOWHERE NEAR close enough. You're best bet is to jab it with a fork every five minutes or so until it comes out clean.

The sad cake was horribly undercooked in the center, although on the plus side, the salvageable parts were pretty damn tasty. I mean yeah, half the cake was a soggy, sunken mess, but other than that? Not too shabbs. Just remember: Toothpick. Or fork. Whatever, just stab your baked goods.

Get Your Ass Back In The Kitchen

2009-12-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is the Pornstar In The Kitchen 2010 Reebot. After a couple months of financial woes, a missing camera and crappy kitchen utensils, I've finally got my shit back together and I have two new recipes for you guys.
New Orleans Style Beignets
(From New Orleans Cuisine)

1 Envelope Active Dry Yeast
3/4 Cup Water (110 degrees F)
1/4 Cup Granulated Sugar
1/2 tsp Salt
1 Beaten Egg
1/2 Cup Evaporated Milk
3 1/2 - 3 3/4 Cups A.P. Flour
1/8 Cup Shortening (I just used butter)
Vegetable Oil for Frying
Powdered Sugar in a shaker or sifter

I got the idea for this one after seeing The Princess and the Frog. I have a thing for movies that incorporate food, so imagine my glee when Disney's latest Princess happened to be a chef.

Needless to say, I shit bricks.

It also gave us a glimpse into the culinary world of New Orleans: Gumbo, Banana Foster's and of course, Beignets. For those of you who don't know, beignets are little New Orleans style donuts which, while not containing a lot of sugar, are covered with a generous helping of powdered sugar. They're also an absolute bitch to make.

In a standing mixer outfitted with a dough hook, start off by mixing the yeast, the water and the sugar together and then allowing it to sit until it becomes frothy. While mine never really became all that frothy, it works equally well if you just let it sit for five minutes. No harm, no foul really. Once that's done, add the salt, egg, evaporated milk, and half the flour, mixing until it starts to look doughy. Add the shortening (or, if you're like me, butter) until well incorporated, then gradually add in the flour. Personally, I stopped adding it in once I hit a collective three cups of flour. At that point I took it out and kneaded in the remaining 1/2 cup of flour by hand.

Once the dough is fully formed, pop into a lightly greased and covered bowl and let it sit until it doubles in size (You're gonna have to eyeball it. Don't worry about going over any time limits here, although if you're in a rush, you might be shit out of luck.) Punch it down, flip it out onto a lightly floured surface and commence rolling/pressing/smashing it into a rectangle a 1/2" thick, then cutting it into 2x2" squares. throw them on a lightly floured cookie sheet, cover them with a cloth and let them rise in a warm environment.

Here's where it gets interesting: You're gonna have to fry these in about 2-3" of oil, heated to 350 degrees. If you don't have a deep fryer, listen up because this might be important: In order to set it to 350 on a stove top, put it to 4 and not, as I thought, 10. Really, don't. Best case scenario, you burn your first round of beignets to a blackened crisp, MELT your slotted spoon, and nearly start a grease fire that blessedly only results in some rather nasty splatter burns on your arms. Worst case scenario, you wind up on the front page as the dumbass who burnt himself alive trying to make donuts.
Anyway, set it to four, and when the oil is heated, place he beignets in 4 at a time, taking care not to squish them or let them deflate, making sure to flip them and get them all delicious and golden brown on both sides. When sufficiently bronzed, remove them from the oil, drying them off on some paper towels and dusting them with a generous helping of powdered sugar. Serve them warm with a cup of cafe au lait.

Real Cheeseburgers
Cheeseburgers are usually a fairly good test to see how potent a chef are you. Anyone can squish meat into a patty, cook it and throw it on a bun. But honestly, feel free to take as many liberties as you want with it.

As a guideline, the burger patty should consist of about 6 oz. of actual meat. This gives you plenty of room to work with though. You can add some bread crumbs with an egg, some chopped onions, bits of cheese, mix in some sausage or other ground meat, and of course you can always hit it with some Tabasco and/or Worcestershire sauce, but be careful on this one; a lot of people mistake heat for flavour, so make sure you're enhancing the taste without overpowering it.

There are plenty of ways to cook the burger, but personally, I like putting it under the broiler; there's less mess and you can do it year round if you live in the north. Cook on each side for 5 minutes, adding on a slice of cheese at the last minute (a mild Cheddar or Monterey Jack works best in my opinion, but go nuts).

Now, as far as burger toppings go, make it a fucking salad. Honestly, you might as well go all in here, so pile it high with thick slices of veggies. Lettuce, Tomatoes, Onions, pickles, banana peppers...If it grows in the ground, put it in there. For the bun, sesame seed works nicely, as does a good Kaiser Roll, though feel free to throw it in the broiler too to get it nice and crispy.

And for the love of God, DO NOT use two Krispy Kreme donuts as buns. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. By all means, if you really want to go right ahead and do it. Darwinism in action people. If you're dumb enough to sandwich a hunk of meat between to glazed donuts, you deserve the myocardial infarction/Type 2 Diabetes/10 pounds of fat that will forever be glued to your love handles that will surely ensue from eating something this horribly unhealthy.

Sorry, needed to be said. But really, DON'T.

Anyway, when it comes to condiments, try to go with the grade-a stuff. Organic if you can, homemade of possible, and you can always go for different varieties (I personally swear by wasabi mustard). Other than that, Bon Appetit!

About Goddamn Time

2009-10-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, I've been neglecting my cooking. Believe me, I've had a VERY good reason for it. A very good reason that I will not be getting into right now. But enough about that, because look! I have a new post and everything!

Anyway, I've got both a dinner recipe and a dessert recipe, should you feel so inclined to treat yourself. For dinner: Pasta Carbonara with Poached Eggs, and for dessert, Pecan Pie.

Pasta Carbonara with Poached Eggs
(Shamelessly stolen from Epicurious)

2 bacon slices, cut into 1-inch pieces
1/4 pound spaghetti
1/2 tablespoon unsalted butter
1/3 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano plus additional for serving
1 to 2 tablespoons chopped tarragon or parsley
1 large egg

Start off by frying the bacon in a skillet until it's nice and crispy, but hopefully, not to the point of being burnt into a blackened crisp. That would kinda totally suck a fat one, wouldn't it? Anyway, when you're done with that, dry the bacon on a paper towel, and put the skillet and the bacon grease off to the side.

Boil the spaghetti in a pot of boiling water until al dente, and while that's boiling, mix together the bacon grease and the butter in your skillet. Once that's done, mix in the cheese, the spices, your crumbled bacon and some of the water from your spaghetti (about 1/3 of a cup should do it). When you're spaghetti is done, drain it (or scoop it out to save the boiling water for your egg) and mix it in with the sauce in the skillet.

To top it off, you're gonna need a poached egg. Having never actually made one of these before today, I honestly had no fucking clue how these things worked. As it turns out, there are a couple ways to pull this off without creating egg soup. You can either pour a bit of white vinegar in the water (which I didn't do, since I, you know, didn't actually HAVE any), or you can stir the boiling water into a mini-whirlpool and then just drop the egg in the center, which will keep your egg together. Then just boil it for about three minutes to keep the egg yolk soft and runny, then take it out with a slotted spoon and serve it over the pasta.

Pecan Pie
(Stolen from...Someone. I can't remember who)

3/4 Cup of Sugar
1 1/2 Tablespoons of Flour
3 Eggs
3 Tablespoons of Melted Butter
1 Cup of Corn Syrup
1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
1 Cup of Coarsely Chopped Pecans
1 prepared Pie Shell

This next one was a bit of a pain in the tuchus. Despite baking this last year, and having it turn out perfectly, this year's Thanksgiving pie turned out...somewhat worse for wear, really. Not that it wasn't good; on the contrary, it earned some pretty rave reviews. It was just mind-meltingly delicious. The only problem was that it didn't set well, so rather than Pecan Pie, I was left with Pecan Soup. Bummer.

Anyway, the way you're SUPPOSED to make it goes like this: Whisk together the sugar, flour, eggs and butter until it's golden brown and smooth. After that, whisk in the syrup, the vanilla and the pecans and pour the delicious, golden syrup into a prepared pie crust. Bake it at 375 for 30 minutes, then let it cool on a wire rack (or if you have one available, a window sill, if only for the kitsch value).

So far, my theory on this is that something about the pie crust threw it off. Last year, I only had to make one, so I tortured myself by making one from scratch. This year, however, I had to make two of these, so in order to cut some corners, I made the mistake of buying a Pillsbury crust. I know, I know, that's like a mortal sin for bakers, but I absolutely SUCK at making pie crusts. Anyway, prepping this crust involved poking holes in it, which I think may have affected it, but who knows? Anyone care to shed some light on this bitch?

Comfort Food

2009-09-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

What a crazy fucking week it's been. After getting back from a show in Toronto, it appears the only souvenir I brought back with me was a cold. To make matters worse, my just-friend happened to step on a broken glass when we were at work at Campus, resulting in 9 stitches on his two smallest toes. Not fun.

Therefore, this week's theme is comfort food. Sometimes you just need a little something-something to get you over a particularly nasty little spell of sickness or ennui. So here it is: A three course meal of food, drink and dessert. Get some.

Double Double Cheese Cheese Grilled Cheese Sandwich

3 Slices of Rye Bread
2 Slices of American Cheese
Some Slices of A Good Old Cheddar
3 Tablespoons of Butter
4 Tablespoons of Bacon Bits

Start off by spreading a tablespoon of butter on each slice of rye bread. Throw a slice of bread in a pan over medium heat, then add the American cheese and half the bacon bits and adding another slice of rye bread on top, allowing it to cook until the cheese has melted. When sufficiently melty, flip it, and throw the cheddar cheese and the other half of bacon bits on top, sealing the deal with the last slice of rye. When the bottom slice of bread starts to smoke a little, flip the whole thing over VERY CAREFULLY and cook until the cheddar has also melted. Believe me on the careful part. If need be, you can use some barbecue tongs, though I find a spatula, a little TLC, and a few F-Bombs should get you through it.

Sweetie Sweet Tea
(Courtesy of Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence)

4 Tea Bags
4 Cups of Boiling Water
1 Cup of Sugar
Cold Water
A Fuck Load of Ice

Start off by boiling the water in whatever you have on hand, then once it becomes hot enough to deal some permanent damage, throw in the bags of tea and let it steep for about five minutes. Once that's done, pull them out and add a cup of sugar, allowing it to dissolve in the tea. Pour it all into a jug or a pitcher or what the fuckedy fuck ever and pour cold water until it's full.

Peanut Butter Cups

14 oz of chocolate, whichever kind you prefer
3 Tablespoons of butter
3/4 Cups of Peanut Butter
3/4 Cups of Confectioner's Sugar

In a double boiler, melt the chocolate with one tablespoon of your butter until it turns into a warm, gooey soup of deliciousness. Brush the chocolate into 12 paper cupcake cups then throw them in the freezer until they harden. While those are chillin' like villains, mix together the peanut butter, sugar and remaining butter until well mashed together. Once the shells have hardened, scoop a bit of the peanut butter mixture into each of the cups, then cover it with the remaining chocolate. Throw them in the freezer until hard, then take them out and keep them refrigerated.

Heartbreak Cake

2009-09-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

As mentioned before, baking serves as a way for me to work my way through the heartache. And of course, the opportunity presented itself this week. It was the kind of sadness that just BEGS for you to fill the void with cupcakes.

But here's the thing about baking: No matter how bad it hurts, all you have to do is pour all the sadness and all the hurt into your cupcakes, then just cover it up with sweet, sugary icing and when you're ready, they can be the tastiest little cupcakes in the world.

Red Velvet Heartbreak Cupcakes
(Adapted from The Beantown Baker)

2 1/2 Cups of Flour
1 1/2 Cups of Sugar
1 Teaspoon of Baking Soda
1 Tablespoon of Cocoa Powder
2 Eggs
1 1/2 Cups of Vegetable Oil
1 Cup of Buttermilk
2 Tablespoons of Red Food Colouring
1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
1 Cup of Sadness

Start off by preheating the oven to 350 degrees, then sifting together the flour, sugar, baking soda and cocoa powder. I'm not really sure what the point of sifting is, since I usually don't get too many lumps of flour or cocoa powder, but if you wanna sift, thereby adding to huge friggin' pile of dishes you have to do ever, be my guest. Honestly, a good whisk does the trick for me.

Next up, whisk together your eggs, oil, buttermilk, colouring and vanilla. Now, for those who use the little droplet things of colouring, I fin that three of the little vials do the job. So just squeeze them dry and mix it up. When incorporated, add it to the dry ingredients and whisk until smooth. Feel free to add a cup of sadness if you happen to have some on hand.

When you're finished, pour them evenly into paper liners/greased and floured muffin tin and bake for about half an hour, or until you can stick a toothpick through the center and have it come out clean.
Brown Sugar Cream Cheese Frosting of Self-Delusion
(adapted from Joy the Baker, via Beantown Baker)

1 1/2 Sticks of Butter
4 oz. of Cream Cheese
1/4 Cup of Brown Sugar
1 Teaspoon of Vanilla
2-3 cups of powdered sugar
1-2 tablespoons milk
2 Teaspoons of false happiness.

Like my cream cheese icing from a previous post, this just works so well with the given material. Simply cream together the cheese and butter at room temperature, then just add the rest of the ingredients, adding extra sugar or milk for smoothness as you see fit.

Homemade Basketti Sauce For The Win

2009-09-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late update on this one. For various reasons, I've been a little busy this week, which has put a severe dent in the amount of time spent in my kitchen. Thankfully, I managed to do not one, but TWO recipes for you this week, because I fucking love you all.

Bread Pudding

One Loaf of French Bread
4 Cups of Milk
2 Cups of Sugar
3 Eggs
2 Tablespoons of Vanilla
1 Teaspoon of Cinnamon

Start off by cutting up your loaf of french bread into 1 inch cubes. Make sure you get a big baguette instead of one of those little rinky-dink ones, because it's gonna need to absorb all of the other ingredients. Once you've cubed your bread, soak it in the milk until you've got what can only be described as bread soup.

In a separate bowl, mix together the eggs, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon into a sweet, sweet sugary goo. For your own sake, try not to eat it. It's gonna be tough, because this stuff is alarmingly good . Anyways, mix it all up together, then pour it into a greased baking pan. Anyone should do, really. Bake it at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, or until it has become golden brown and the sides start to curl in a little. Your gonna be waiting a while, so in the meantime, why don't you eat a delicious baguette? Mmmmmm...
Spaghetti Sauce

A Medium Can of Tomato Sauce
A Small Can of Tomato Paste
Half a Large Can of Diced Tomatos
A Chopped Onion
1 1/2 Pounds of Ground Beef
4 Large Italian Sausages
Rosemary
Oregano
Thyme
Pepper

To be honest with you, I never made Spaghetti Sauce before. So as you can see, I more or less completely fucking winged this bitch. Word.

Start off by frying (or Barbecuing, depending on your mood) the italian sausages until the insides are cooked, and will no longer give you salmonella. While those are frying up, brown the beef in a bit of oil in a large pot, adding some Rosemary, Oregano, Thyme and Pepper to taste. Feel free to add as much as you want, depending on your taste.

Once the sausages are cooked, cut them up along with a large onion. Add them into the pot, along with the tomato sauce, tomato paste, and diced tomatoes. Simmer it for a while in order to make sure it's hot and spicy, then serve it with your choice of pasta, or if you're so inclined, eat it by itself. Honestly, this shit is thick as hell, and can serve a small army. Such is the power of a thick, meaty sausage.
As you can see, this week's theme is "Food that looks like cocks".

Pressure Cooker

2009-08-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

This post marks a couple firsts for me: It's the first time that I will post not one single recipe, but a full course meal as well. It also marks the first time that I have ever completely lost my shit over one of my recipes.

It started a couple weeks ago when I took a request from Vincent Lambert, porn reporter extraordinaire, for a chocolate mousse recipe. Despite my previous attempt at mousse a couple years back resulting in White Chocolate Soup, I decided to go for it, as I am something of a gigantic idiot, and also because I like Vince.

A couple days later, I got an email from Mama Feist telling me that she was bringing me a sofa. In return I offered to have her and her boyfriend over a dinner of General Tao Chicken, her favourite dish. I figured I would do both recipes at the same time, as to kill two birds with one stone. Easy? Not so much.

Dark Chocolate Mousse
(Adapted from Bobby Flay)

5 1/2 oz. of Dark Chocolate
14 oz. of Cold Heavy Cream
3 Egg Whites
1 oz. of Sugar
Whipped cream and shaved chocolate for garnish

Looking at the above recipe, I figured it wouldn't be anything too difficult, right? Well, it started out that way. I chopped the chocolate coursely and melted it in a bain marie (which is like a bowl placed in a pot of boiling water. It serves to heat something without burning it using direct heat). Once turning the dark chocolate into liquid pleasure, I set it aside to beat my the heavy cream.

You have to beat it until it stiffens and begins to form soft peaks, and the only way to do it is by placing it over some ice. Unfortunately, I didn't make enough, causing me to run around The Village like a chicken with it's head cut off. While I never found a bag of ice, I did manage to stumble upon my gay uncles (who happen to be getting married this weekend!) who also happen to be chefs. Lucky, huh? Anyway, they told me to put all the utensils in the freezer for about ten minutes, then beat it again hard. After doing so, I found my cream stiffening nicely until I got a whipped consistency.

Then came the eggs...The reason I failed the last time was because of the eggs. You're supposed to beat these while incorporating the sugar until it forms soft peaks as well, and if you don't beat it enough, your mousse won't solidify. After a first attempt where my eggs did little more than turn into high-protein foam, I added a bit of cream of tartar with the sugar, and my eggs became the meringue like substance I was looking for. After that, it was just a matter of folding in the eggs, then the cream with a whisk, then letting it cool in the fridge. I served the mousse in some goblets, topped with whipped cream and shaved chocolate.

It was at this point that Mama Feist, the boyfriend and my family dog Kahlua came through the door. While they sat down on the new couch and discussed whether Angel's David Boreanaz was also in Bones, I got to work making...

General Tao Chicken

Cubed Chicken
Flour
An Egg
Soy Sauce
Oil
A bottle or two of General Tao Chicken Sauce

For the most part, this isn't a very exact recipe. Got cut up the chicken into 1" cubes, then mix it with an egg and some soy sauce. When sufficiently moistened, toss it with the flour then fry it in oil until browned. Once it's fried, cook it in a wok with the oil and General Tao sauce. You can also fry it up with some copped peppers and onions for a little extra zing, then serve it on a bed of rice. Honestly, it's the simplest thing to make, but it tastes SO good.

For the salad, just toast some almond slices, then toss them in a bowl with mixed lettuce, sliced mandarins and some raspberry vinaigrette, then serve with a nice Pinot Grigio. Bon Appétit!

Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot Pie!

2009-08-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start off this week's post with a round of shout outs. First one goes to Matt the Great! who took the time to send me a beautiful apron, matching chef's hat, and oven mitts and dish towels. The hat's a little doofy, but you gotta admit, it is totally cute. And floppy!
Next one goes to my Dad, who came over during the week with a fuckload of brand new kitchen utensils, saving me from having to use a spoon as a spatula. Thank the good lord for that one, huh? Finally, one last shout out to Sarah Larson, my most favouritest pie-hating Empress of Everything ever.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, Chicken Pot Pie: It's the first savory dish I've made for the site, which I suppose is something of a good thing for my belly. Honestly, I've funneled enough sugar down my throat to supply Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory for a year ever since I started this thing. It also gave me an opportunity to break out Amy Sedaris' wonderfully funny I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, something I really wish I could do more often than I actually do.
Chicken Pot Pie
(Adapted from Amy Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence)

Puff Pastry Sheets (Or failing that, store bought pie crusts)
A 4 lb Chicken, pre-cooked
A Large Onion
A Large Carrot
3 Potatoes
2 Cups of Frozen Peas
1 Cup of Flour
3 Cups of Chicken Stock
1 Stick of Butter (1/2 Cup)

Start off by prepping your veggies: Peel and slice your carrots and your onion, and then cube your potatoes. Boil the carrots in a covered pot for four minutes, then drain them out and set them in a bowl. Brown the onions in some butter, and then throw them in the bowl. Boil your little bitty potato cubes for seven minutes then, you guessed it, also in the veggie bowl!
Once you have those out of the way, slice up the three stalks of celery and toss them in the bowl with your frozen peas.

Alright, now that your veggies are out of the way, it's time to make your cream sauce. In a pot over medium heat, boil the chicken stock with the flour and the butter, whisking until smooth. Feel free to add extra butter and flour as you see fit, for the sake of taste and texture respectively.

Now, assuming you have a pre-cooked chicken, skin the fucker. I'm not really sure how to do this, although after spending half an hour staring at mine, trying to flay off it's skin with my mind à la Dark Willow, I ultimately just got tired and proceeded to tear the damn thing apart with my hands. It lacks finesse, sure, but it's quite effective. Just pull off the skin, then slice the meat off the bone and chop it up into little bitty pieces. There's a good chance that if you enjoy this too much, you will end up becoming a serial murderer (or at the very least, an arsonist).

Now that you have your chicken and your cream sauce, throw them all into the bowl and toss them well, seasoning with salt and pepper. You can add a bit of tabasco sauce if you want a bit of a kick, but I'm a pussy, so I left that out.
Now, line a pie plate with the puff pastry sheet, or if like me you weren't able to find it, the Pillsbury Pie Crust. Bot work equally well, I must say. Once you have it pressed into the plate, scoop in your well tossed pie filling and seal it over with the other half of your choice of pastry. Use a fork to seal over the edges, as well as giving it a little of that ye olde charm. Cut a few slices into the top of the pie, and try to make it look pretty. I prefer my pies to have a simple, rustic look to them, so I just did a simple little pattern with some slices. When that's done, bake the pie at 450 degrees for 35 minutes until brown, then let it cool on either a wire rack, or if you're feeling folksy, let it cool on a window sill while Lassie saves Timmy from the well.

Bon Appétit!

Vegetables? In Cake? EVERYBODY PANIC!

2009-08-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Veggie cakes tend to get a bit of a bad wrap. Considering how often most people actually eat vegetables, wouldn't incorporating greens into all the sugary junk you actually WANT to eat make more sense? And before you even go there, sugar does not count as a veggie. Neither does chocolate. I'm sure you must be crushed.

This week's project is for Pornobobbie, who requested Carrot Cake, because let's face it, who doesn't fucking love Carrot Cake? The answer of course is Hitler. Hitler didn't like Carrot Cake. Or puppies. Or gay porn. What I'm trying to say is, Hitler was a fun-wrecking dickhead and Carrot Cake is delicious.

Carrot Cake
(Adapted/stolen from Stephanie Jaworski at Joy of Baking)

1 Cup of Walnuts
2 1/2 Cups of finely grated Carrots
2 Cups of Flour
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1 1/2 tsp of Ground Cinnamon
4 Eggs
1 1/2 Cups of Sugar
1 Cup of Canola Oil
2 tsp of Vanilla Extract

Start of by preparing the nuts and the carrots. Toast the walnuts by heating the oven to 350 F, then throwing the walnuts in the oven on a cookie sheet for about 7-8 minutes. One thing you should probably know though: apparently, you need to toast these little fuckers BEFORE you chop them up. I, however, bought a bag of pre-chopped walnuts. Because I'm an idiot. Awesome. Anyway, once those are out of the oven, chop them up coarsely.

Now the carrots...God I hated this part. Chop off the ends of the carrots, peel them then grate them into thin little pieces of orange, carrot-ey goodness. You're gonna need about 2 1/2 cups of it, which is roughly the size of three big carrots. You can eyeball it yourself, but to be honest, your cake probably won't blow up into a flaming ball of failure if you're a little under.

Next up, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder and cinnamon in a bowl and set that aside. In another bowl, beat the eggs until frothy, while gradually adding the sugar in bit by bit until thick. Add the oil in afterwards in a steady stream, then add the vanilla.

Once you have your dries and your liquids sufficiently mixed, it's time to combine those fuckers. Once incorporated, fold in both the carrots and the nuts, then pour the whole thing in a greased 10" cake pan. Bake it at 350 F for 40-45 minutes, then cool it on a wire rack. Once it's cooled, it's time to ice it...

Cream Cheese Icing

8 oz. Cream Cheese
1/4 Cup of Butter
2 Cups of Icing Sugar
1 Tsp of Vanilla

This one's a little easier. Just cream together the butter and the cream cheese until smoothe, then add in the icing sugar and vanilla, then beat until thick and ribbon-ey. Afterwards, cut the cake in half horizontally and ice the inside and the top of the cake.

One final word of advice...While licking the beaters is one of those things you simply HAVE to do when baking, you might not want to do this with a handmixer, unless of course you enjoy having your tongue caught and subsequently ripped out by one of these little fuckers.

Key Lime Pie: Fun With Whipped Cream

2009-08-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

To be honest with you, I have a bit of a rocky relationship with pie. While there are a lot of pies I'm quite fond of, it seems like the only ones that get any press are the shit ones. I'm looking at you, apple pie. You hear me? You're dead to me, apple pie! You and all your fruit pie brethren! YOU'RE ALL DEAD TO ME! DEAD LIKE LINCOLN!

...Ahem. Sorry, don't know where that came from.

Anyways, the smoother pies have always held a place in my heart. Custards, puddings, shit like that, really. Stupid fruit pies think they're so great...Lemon and lime pies are a favourite, mostly because they have that tangy little kick to them, but they're still topped off with some sweet, fluffy goodness. Anyhoodle, thanks to Rocco Giovanni, I decided to try my hand at a Key Lime Pie this week. The recipe is as follows...

Key Lime Pie
(courtesy Joe's Stone Crab Restaurant)

200 g of Graham Crackers
5 Tb of melted butter
3 Egg Yolks
2 Tsp of lime zest
14-oz of Condensed Milk
2/3 cup of lime juice
An entire can of whipped cream

Start off by crushing the graham crackers in a food processor, or just wreck their shit with a rolling pin. You have no idea how much fun this part is to me. Love it. Anyway, once your done with that, stir in the melted butter until it's all sticky, then press it into a pie plate of your choosing. I always have trouble with this part, but who the hell are we kidding, no one cares about the crust anyways. It's all about the filling. Your crust can look like it was beaten to death with the fugly stick, but as long as you've got some rockin' filling, no one cares. Anyway, bake that at 350 degrees (F) for 8 minutes until it's golden brown.

Next, beat together the three egg yolks with the lime zest into a frothy goodness with an electric mixer, or, if you're like me and you're too cheap to buy one and you're too lazy to steal the one your dad never uses, beat it with a whisk until your arm gets tired and your sex life goes down the drain. Afterward, beat in the condensed milk gradually until it becomes thick and delicious, then do the same for the lime juice. Pour the filling into the pie crust and bake it at 350 (again) for ten minutes. When it's done, cool it on a rack, then fridge that bitch.
Once it's completely cool, break out that can of whipped cream and go to town. Put as much or as little on it as you want. Personally, I like to smother it with whipped cream because, let's face it, whipped cream is delicious. Actually, I might have gone just a tiny bit overboard with the whipped cream...
What can I say? I loves me my whipped cream.

Death By Chocolate Is A Myth

2009-07-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

I kinda feel bad about making my very first post about chocolate chip cookies. There's nothing inherently wrong with cookies, really. They're warm, gooey, and they go great with a glass of milk and all that. No, I feel bad because a certain someone (You know who you are) I know happens to be a raging cookie-holic*. He also happens to be on a diet right now. It's one of life's strange little paradoxes. Like jumbo shrimp. Or like how people who are big dicks usually have little dicks.

Anyhoodle, behold: My (now not so) top secret Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 Cup of butter-flavoured shortening
3/4 Cup of white sugar
3/4 Cup of packed brown sugar
2 Eggs
2 Teaspoons of Vanilla
2 Cups of all-purpose flour
1/4 Teaspoon of baking soda
2 Cups of chocolate chips

Start off by preheating the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (not sure what that is in Celsius, and I really don't care enough to do a 10 second google search, so fuck it). While that's warming up, creaming together the shortening, the white sugar and the brown sugar until it sort of looks like the wet sand you might find at a beach. I have to admit, the resemblance between the two is just uncanny, really. Anyway, once that's done, mix in the eggs and the vanilla as well. If I were a real chef, I'd probably say something about adding the eggs one at a time, but I'm not, so just dump that shit in there and whip it into smooth, sugary froth.

Next, sift the flour and baking soda into the bowl. Or if you're exceptionally lazy, like me, just pour it all in with reckless abandon. You'll thank me later. You can throw in a pinch of salt if you so fancy, but I can't really tell the difference either way, so I prefer to just skip the needless sodium altogether. Mix it together until you get the familiar site of cookie dough. Next, just pour in your choice of Chocolate chips. It doesn't matter what kind you use, so long as you like them. I use the semi-sweet variety, but to be fair, I'm exceptionally boring. Mint, Dark, White...Whatever you want, really.

When it's all mixed together, and the oven is sufficiently hot, roll the cookie dough into little balls. Mine are about the size of ping pong balls, but that's just a rough estimate, so feel free to play around with it. What I like to do is to flatten them out just a bit in my hand so that they spread out in the oven a little bit, without being to puffy or to thin. Once you got that out of the way, throw them in the oven for 15 minutes, though once again, feel free to play around with that to get the desired level of softness/crispiness. You can let them cool on a wire rack for a couple minutes, but if you don't have one handy, I guess you can just throw them on a plate or something. Either way, they're not long for this world. Enjoy them with a glass of milk, or you can store them in the freezer or in saran wrap. Enjoy!

*Not an actual word...I think.

A Quick FAQ While We Set Up The Kitchen

2009-07-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

www.nataliedee.com

Who the hell are you?

My name is Jeremy Feist, and yes, as the title suggests, I am a Montreal-based, 18-year-old gay porn star. Spiffy, huh?

Sorta. What's the point of this blog, anyway?

Basically, this is how it works: I'll bake a couple new sugary bits of awesome every week, and then post the recipes here on the blog. Sometimes it'll just be words and text, and sometimes it'll be full-on video...At least, it will be once I figure out how to edit video anyway. Either/Or, really. Oh, and just to up the ante, I'll be doing it all wearing nothing but an apron. And I do mean NOTHING but an apron. Ha ha! Unseen dangly bits.

Isn't Johnny Hazzard doing something exactly like this? Only better?

*Sticks fingers in ears* ALALALALALALALA I CANNOT HEAR YOU I CANNOT HEAR YOU ALALALALALALALALA!

But-

ALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!

Alright fine. So why baking?

Well, here's more or less how it started...

The first time I ever baked was my Dad's 39th Birthday (Which I think made me 12...ish). I decided to bake him a coffee cake after finding a recipe in an old cookbook, and ended up whipping up a batter from scratch. It was perfect...at least it would have been, if my brothers hadn't decided to take some artistic freedom with the whole thing.

As it turns out baking, like most everything else, goes pretty well until you throw family into the mix, at which point it all sort of goes to shit. My older brother decided to add sprinkles to the batter, which are pretty much the culinary equivalent of Megan Fox: garrishly pretty, without adding any redeeming qualities to the mix. Naturally, said sprinkles sunk to the bottom of the pan during the actual baking process and formed a blackened shell that sealed the cake to its cooking vessel. Awesome.

Now, granted we could have just smoothed this over with icing, but once again my brothers intervened, slathering the cake in blue and green icing, then littering it in a mess of sprinkles (again with the fucking sprinkles...WHY WOULD YOU USE SPRINKLES?!), peppermints and old chocolate chips, which we found out moments later were infested by bugs. Mmmmmm...The end product, though delicious, was the cake wreck to end all cake wrecks.

But it wasn't the end product, it was the process that hooked me. The mixing, the measuring, watching as the batter rose up into a golden brown cake...I was done. However, I put my baking in the backseat for about a year, until of course my parents divorced. Afterwards, I used baking as a form of therapy to get me through it, and eventually, it evolved into an easy way for me to keep my Chakras balanced.

Fair enough. One more question before we go though.

Shoot.

You're just ripping off Johnny Hazzard, aren't you?

ALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!